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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some researchers believe that all children need to learn a musical instrument as part of their education. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is often argued that
schools
Use synonyms
 should teach how to play a musical
instrument
Use synonyms
 to
students
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. I totally disagree with that opinion and think that children don'
t
Use synonyms
 need to learn that kind of art stuff. First of all,
music
Use synonyms
 is not a
Use synonyms
subject
Punctuation problem
subject,
show examples
 it's
part of
Check wording
apply
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a
passion
Punctuation problem
passion,
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 so musical
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instrument
Check wording
instruments
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 shouldn'
t
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 be teached at
schools
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.
In other
Linking Words
words
Add a comma
words,
show examples
 if someone wants to learn
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
music
Punctuation problem
music,
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 it's a passion, it's the feeling of satisfaction.
Meanwhile
Add a comma
Meanwhile,
show examples
 if school push you to play
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
Use synonyms
instrument
Punctuation problem
instrument,
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then
Linking Words
 it's not
music
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anymore
Punctuation problem
anymore,
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 it's just a
subject
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 which
students
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 have to pass. For exemple the famous pianist Mosart play the piano not because he learned at college but because he truly
wants
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 to play
piano
Correct article usage
the piano
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.
Thus
Linking Words
,
schools
Use synonyms
 should teach the main courses like maths or language,
Use synonyms
music
Correct word choice
but music
show examples
 is not a
subject
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. Second of all, there are many people who don'
t
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 have a special ability to
music
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 instruments
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 if it's part of the
education
Punctuation problem
education,
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 they will fail the lesson. The talent
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 art comes from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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genetics
Punctuation problem
genetics,
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 so there are a lot of
students
Use synonyms
 who are less
than
Correct word choice
talented than
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 others. It is not fair to take
this
Linking Words
 kind of art to the
schools
Use synonyms
.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 there are learners
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are very good at
main
Correct article usage
the main
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 academic subjects and fail just because of the class
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
music
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
musical
Correct article usage
a musical
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instrument
Use synonyms
 is not something you can understand in school
it's
Punctuation problem
; it's
show examples
 not a
Use synonyms
subject
Punctuation problem
subject,
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 it's an ability. To summarise, children don'
t
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 need to learn instruments in
schools
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if
Punctuation problem
; if
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 they
want
Punctuation problem
want,
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 they can learn outside of the
schools
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 and take
this
Linking Words
 as a
subject
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has
Correct pronoun usage
, which has
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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side effects
in the
Change preposition
for
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 who
hasn'
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
t
Use synonyms
 got a capability
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
music
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more clear in each body part. Start each part with one strong point, then explain it in a simple way.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words well, like first, also, for example, and therefore. This will help your essay move more smoothly.
task achievement
Your answer is on topic, but some ideas are too general. Add one more clear and real example to support each main point.
task achievement
Be careful not to repeat the same idea many times, like saying music is not a subject. Try to add a new reason in each part.
task achievement
Explain why your examples support your opinion. This will make your ideas more full and strong.
task achievement
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and keep the same view through the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You use some simple linking words like first of all, second of all, and therefore.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • music
  • instrument
  • learn
  • school
  • child
  • student
  • lesson
  • class
  • benefit
  • brain
  • memory
  • focus
  • discipline
  • confidence
  • creativity
  • teamwork
  • practice
  • skill
  • option
  • choice
  • optional
  • cost
  • time
  • space
  • teacher
  • group
  • play
  • sound
  • song
  • beat
  • mood
  • health
  • joy
  • culture
  • art
  • growth
  • development
  • plan
What to do next:
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