IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Young people spend too much money on expensive fashion brands and gadgets these days, many of which are not necessary. To what extend do you agree?

In the past
decades
Punctuation problem
decades,
show examples
 youth started spending too much money paying for
brand
Correct article usage
a brand
show examples
, not for the actual
product
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it is
rearly
Correct your spelling
rarely
 necessary.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 it can be true only in some cases. It is hard to deny that branded clothing is more expensive than unbranded
.
Check wording
clothing.
show examples
This
Linking Words
 is largely
due to
Linking Words
 popularity among peers and
frends
Correct your spelling
friends
.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 if you are wearing
nike
Fix capitalization
Nike
show examples
 shoes, you will
immideatly
Correct your spelling
immediately
 seem more fashionable and trendy, since everyone recognises
brand
Correct article usage
the brand
show examples
. And it is not only about how
pair
Correct article usage
a pair
show examples
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
actually suits you, but
also
Linking Words
 because of
logo
Correct article usage
the logo
show examples
 on it.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
familarity
Correct your spelling
familiarity
 encourages companies to
rise
Verb problem
raise
show examples
 prices on their
product
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, avoiding having any branded things might sometimes lead to
bulling
Correct your spelling
bullying
. If you don’t own any labels, it can be
understand
Wrong verb form
understood
show examples
 as a lack of money that usually leads to joking.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 when my sister was in fifth
grade
Punctuation problem
grade,
show examples
 it was cool only to have an
iphone
Fix capitalization
iPhone
show examples
. Those who had one
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 the coolest guys in class
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 others
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 losers and sometimes got bullied. That made more and more young people save exactly for iphone,
while
Linking Words
 in reality it had the same features as any other model.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 brands are not always
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 thing.
Usually
Add a comma
Usually,
show examples
 brads are garantee of
quality
Use synonyms
.
Due to
Linking Words
 high expectations from society,
high
Rephrase
highly
show examples
 rated companies
controlling
Wrong verb form
control
show examples
 the
quality
Use synonyms
 of their
product
Use synonyms
 closely to avoid
cancelling
Replace the word
cancellations
.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 if any popular brand will make broken or poor
quality
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
product
Punctuation problem
product,
show examples
 they will
loose
Use the right word
lose
show examples
 a huge
percent
Replace the word
percentage
 of their consumers and will end up
bankrupts
Wrong verb form
bankrupt
show examples
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 there may be valid points on both sides, I am confident that brands are overrated, and it is
realrly
Correct your spelling
really
necessary to spend extra money on brands.
it
Fix capitalization
It
show examples
 is important to have
Use synonyms
quality
Correct article usage
a quality
show examples
 thing rather
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 a label.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. You say you agree only in some cases, but later you say brands are overrated. Keep one clear line.
task response
Answer all parts of the task more fully. Talk about both fashion brands and gadgets in a balanced way.
task response
Explain your ideas more. Some points are good, but they need one more step to show why they support your answer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one main idea. This will help the essay feel more easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You give a clear introduction and a conclusion.
task response
You use real examples, like your sister and the iPhone case.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic paragraph plan that is easy to see.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: