IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

In many countries ,teenagers are encouraged to do part time jobs. what do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part time jobs ?what's the situation like in your country?

There
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a lot of advantages
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 teenagers
gettIn
Correct your spelling
getting
 a job
Punctuation problem
. Independence is one of the advantages;
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as independence they become independent from an early age and get their own paychecks
,
Correct word order
. Also,
show examples
also
Linking Words
 they learn the importance of money and not to spend it
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 things they don't need.
Time
Use synonyms
 management is an advantage too
they
Punctuation problem
, they
show examples
 learn how to manage their
time
Use synonyms
 in a positive way
, productivity
Punctuation problem
. Productivity
show examples
 is another advantage
Linking Words
instead
Punctuation problem
; instead
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 of staying home all day
they
Punctuation problem
, they
show examples
 can go outside and work.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 it may have disadvantages
such
Linking Words
 as stress and pressure
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 when they have school or
college
Punctuation problem
college,
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 it can be stressful to manage both at the same
time
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 they can get tired from working long hours
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will lead to them
preforming
Use the right word
performing
show examples
 badly in school. In my
country
Add a comma
country,
show examples
 it's not that common to get a
part
Correct your spelling
part-time
time
Use synonyms
 job as a teenager
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think they should encourage it because it can help teenagers in many ways. To summarize teenagers having
part
Correct your spelling
part-time
time
Use synonyms
 jobs is important to help them in their lives in ways
such
Linking Words
 as
time
Use synonyms
 management, the importance of money, productivity,
independence
Correct word choice
and independence
show examples
. But it can affect them in ways
such
Linking Words
 as tiredness, stress and pressure.

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coherence cohesion
Write a short introduction first. Say what you will talk about.
coherence cohesion
Make one paragraph for good points, one for bad points, and one for your country.
coherence cohesion
Use simple link words like First, Also, However, and In my country.
task achievement
Answer all parts fully. You talked about good and bad points, and your country, but the part about your country is very short.
task achievement
Give one clear example for each main idea. This will make your answer stronger.
task achievement
Explain ideas a bit more. For example, say what kind of job a teen may do and how it helps.
task achievement
You answered the main question and wrote about both good and bad points.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are easy to follow most of the time.
coherence cohesion
You gave a clear ending at the end.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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