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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people decide on a career path early in thier lives and keep to it. This they argue, leads to a more satisfying working life. To what extent do you agree with this review? What other things can people do in order to have a satisfying working life?

In recent years,
people
Use synonyms
 have started thinking more about their
future
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 lives. Many of them decided on their
career
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 path at an early age. I totally agree with
this
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 view because choosing a
career
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 early can lead to a more satisfying working
life
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.
However
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,
people
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 should
also
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 understand that
life
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 is changing, and
industires
Correct your spelling
industries
 today need different skills compared to the past.
To begin
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 with,
life
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 has become harder than before, and industries are changing very quickly. Because of
this
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,
people
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 should be aware of what
future
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careers
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 will be in demand.
For example
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, technology fields have become very
popuular
Correct your spelling
popular
 nowadays, and there are many new jobs that
people
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 did not know about in the past.
Therefore
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, individuals should learn about new technology fields and prepare themselves for these
careers
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. In my opinion,
people
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 who understand
career
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 trends and choose their path wisely will have better choices in the
future
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, a better quality of
life
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, and more job satisfaction.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 who choose a job only to make a living may face more difficulties later in
life
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.
For instance
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,
people
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 working in restaurants often do simple tasks,
while
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 those working in technology industries usually have better opportunities and higher satisfaction. Another important factor is social media, which makes it easier for
people
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 to research
future
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careers
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. In the past,
people
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 had limited information and often discovered their
career
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 interests much later in
life
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.
To conclude
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, I strongly agree that deciding on a
career
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 path early can help
people
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 become more successful, motivated, and satisfied with their working lives.
In contrast
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,
people
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 who do not plan early may struggle more in their
future
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careers
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.

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task response
Answer all parts more fully. You gave a clear view, but you did not talk enough about other things people can do to have a happy work life.
task response
Add more direct ideas about the second question, like work-life balance, good pay, kind work friends, and learning new skills.
task response
Use examples that fit the main point more clearly. The restaurant and technology example is a bit too simple and general.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. A few parts jump too fast from one point to another, especially from early planning to social media.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main idea. This will help the essay feel more organized and easy to follow.
task response
You clearly state your opinion in the first paragraph and keep it through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a conclusion, and both are easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple link words like 'To begin with', 'For example', 'On the other hand', and 'To conclude'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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