IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that the government is responsible for looking after the elderly. Others believe that it should be family members. Who do you think should take responsibility?

#people #government #members #responsibility
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In
this
Linking Words
 modern era,
people
Use synonyms
 avoid taking
care
Use synonyms
 of their
elders
Use synonyms
. Some
people
Use synonyms
 are able to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their
elders
Use synonyms
 but there are many
people
Use synonyms
 who try to stay away from
this
Linking Words
 kind of responsibility. I personally think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family
members
Use synonyms
 should take
care
Use synonyms
 of their
elders
Use synonyms
 and
this
Linking Words
 essay will outline examples to support my view. To start with, we have seen many elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in our lives who roam on the streets without any purpose. The
government
Use synonyms
 should only be responsible for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
Use synonyms
 who don't have any immediate family
members
Use synonyms
 available to take
care
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 of them.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are many
government
Use synonyms
-funded homes which are designed to take
care
Use synonyms
 of
elders
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 has many things to address so it is not practically possible for the
government
Use synonyms
 to take
care
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 of each one of them.
Hence
Linking Words
, the family
members
Use synonyms
 should take
care
Use synonyms
 of their
elders
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, since childhood, our
elders
Use synonyms
 have taken
care
Use synonyms
 of us and struggled for us. When
this
Linking Words
 scenario is reversed, many
people
Use synonyms
 back off and often fail to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their parents or
elders
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, it's a responsibility that every family member should share among themselves to make sure their
elders
Use synonyms
 feel safe with them.
For example
Linking Words
, my parents are old and I haven't thought of sending them to old aged homes or anywhere because it's my duty to take
care
Use synonyms
 of them the way they did the same when I was a child.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly believe, that family
members
Use synonyms
 should take
care
Use synonyms
 of their elderly. In conclusion, I am not in favour of sending
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
Use synonyms
 to old aged or
government
Use synonyms
-funded homes. The families should take
care
Use synonyms
 of their
elders
Use synonyms
 and the
government
Use synonyms
 should only take
care
Use synonyms
 of the elderly whose family doesn't exist.
Submitted by tirththakkar23 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on adding a bit more variety to your sentence structures to make your writing more dynamic.
Task Achievement
Consider including counterarguments to further strengthen your position and demonstrate your ability to engage with opposing viewpoints.
Task Achievement
Provided clear and comprehensive ideas supporting the viewpoint.
Coherence and Cohesion
Successfully structured the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Used relevant examples to support the main points effectively.
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