IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that money is the best gift to give teenagers, while others disagree. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving money as a gift? What is your opinion?

It is often argued that giving teenagers
money
Use synonyms
 as a present is the best idea. I completely disagree with
this
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 opinion
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 I think that giving them what they like under
parent
Replace the word
parental
 control. The reason why I do not believe in
this
Linking Words
 point of view
,
Verb problem
is
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 that teenagers
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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do not have self-control, and there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 no responsibilities for young
people
Use synonyms
. First of all, I believe that
people
Use synonyms
 at a young age
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can not control
on
Change preposition
apply
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their
behavers
Correct your spelling
behaviour
.
Thus
Linking Words
, giving them
money
Use synonyms
 as a
gift
Use synonyms
 is not a good idea, because they will spend it on unbenefited thing,
such
Linking Words
 as video games,
expensive
Correct article usage
an expensive
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 bag and coffee or
may they
Correct word order
they may
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 spend it on dangers thing like cigarettes or alcohol.
For instance
Linking Words
, my uncle
gives
Wrong verb form
gave
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 his son 1000 dollar as a
gift
Use synonyms
 for his birthday
, the
Punctuation problem
. The
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 second day after his birthday
he
Punctuation problem
, he
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 went with his friends
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 he bought in his
whole
Correct word choice
apply
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money
Use synonyms
cigarettes
Check wording
apply
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for
him
Correct pronoun usage
himself
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 and his friends
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they
start
Wrong verb form
started
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 smoking. That’s why giving them
money
Use synonyms
 is not a good idea.
Secondly
Linking Words
, at
this
Linking Words
 part of
life
Add a comma
life,
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people
Use synonyms
 do not have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial responsibilities. So, giving them some dollars will not help them a lot. A
Use synonyms
money
Replace the word
monetary
gift
Use synonyms
 should go to
older
Correct article usage
an older
show examples
age how
Check wording
person who
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 has responsibilities,
such
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 as debt, marriage and
a
Correct article usage
apply
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rent.
And
Correct determiner usage
The
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 younger you can give them a present like
watch
Correct article usage
a watch
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, Phone or a book.
Therefore
Linking Words
, you know that they don’t spend the
money
Use synonyms
 in a bad way. In conclusion, I strongly believe that giving
money
Use synonyms
 to teenagers is not the best type of
gift
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 it may give them freedom to choose what they want, many young
people
Use synonyms
 are not mature enough to use
money
Use synonyms
 wisely.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is better to give them useful presents under parental guidance rather than cash.

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task response
Answer all parts more clearly. You talk a lot about why money is bad, but say less about the good side of giving money.
task response
Make your opinion line more complete in the intro. Write one full clear sentence about your view.
task response
Explain ideas more. Some points are good, but they need deeper support and clearer meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler and clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and develop it step by step.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep it through the essay.
task response
You include an example from real life, and this helps support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: intro, body, body, conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion matches your main view and ends the essay clearly.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial responsibility
  • budget
  • save
  • informed spending decisions
  • personal preferences
  • practical and efficient
  • unwanted or inappropriate gifts
  • impersonal
  • emotional value
  • thoughtfulness
  • personal consideration
  • wise financial decisions
  • frivolously
  • lasting memories and experiences
  • educational courses
  • hobby-related equipment
  • long-lasting positive impact
  • fostering interests and skills
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