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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that children should be taught to be competitive in school. Others, however, sya that cooperation and team working skills are more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

It is believed by some that to be a successful
person
Use synonyms
, a
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
 needs social
skills
Use synonyms
besides
Linking Words
 subject
knowledge
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.
While
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 I agree that
requirement
Correct article usage
the requirement
show examples
 of social
skills
Use synonyms
 in
jobs
Use synonyms
 has increased considerably, I
also
Linking Words
 believe
in
Correct word choice
that in
show examples
 certain
jobs
Use synonyms
a
Punctuation problem
, a
show examples
person
Use synonyms
 can contribute effectively even if
he lacks
Fix the agreement mistake
they lack
show examples
 social
skills
Use synonyms
. In the following
eassy
Correct your spelling
essay
, I will discuss both views before presenting my own opinion. The main reason why social
skills
Use synonyms
 are considered critical for daily life.
Initially
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, leadership and teamwork
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 offspring to know about
importance
Correct article usage
the importance
show examples
 of cooperation, which makes them
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good citizens.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, today, most tasks at the workplace demand teamwork
with
Correct word choice
, and those with
show examples
social
Correct word choice
better social
show examples
skills
Use synonyms
 are better able to interact
exchange
Punctuation problem
, exchange
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 information or even trade
task
Check wording
tasks
show examples
 at the workplace.
For instance
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, a kids who want to become a businessman they didn't need
to
Correct determiner usage
an
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 expensive education. If
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they have
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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 degree, but
doesn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
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 have good communication
skills
Use synonyms
 and
problem solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
skills
Use synonyms
they
Punctuation problem
, they
show examples
not
Verb problem
will not
show examples
 become a successful businessman.
However
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,
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
academic studies are not enough in
this
Linking Words
 modern world.
In addition
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, social
skills
Use synonyms
 are gaining more relevance because
non skilled
Correct your spelling
non-skilled
jobs
Use synonyms
 are gradually getting automated. Some
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields,
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
doctors
Check wording
medicine
show examples
 and engineering need a good quality of education in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
competitive schools, which
give to
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 progeny
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opportunity to apply and job anywhere, if they have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 best
knowledge
Use synonyms
, in
Punctuation problem
. In
show examples
 most cases, to be successful at one job
one
Punctuation problem
, one
show examples
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be able to lead
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 effectively, delegate tasks and resolve any interpersonal conflicts that arise.
This
Linking Words
 is
also
Linking Words
 possible if the children possess social
skills
Use synonyms
 like good communication, empathy and the ability to listen to others.
However
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, the growing
important
Replace the word
importance
 of social
skill
Check wording
skills
show examples
 does not mean a
person
Use synonyms
 cannot succeed without them. There are many
jobs
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today
Punctuation problem
today,
show examples
that's
Correct pronoun usage
which is
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 why
little
Verb problem
there is little
show examples
Use synonyms
person to
Correct your spelling
person-to-person
person
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 contact, teamwork or collaboration.
For example
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, software development, which involves writing
code
Punctuation problem
code,
show examples
 is much more about technical
knowledge
Use synonyms
 and reasoning.
Similarly
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, there are data entry
jobs
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 which are based on
knowledge
Use synonyms
 about database software like Oracle and
Ms
Fix capitalization
MS
show examples
 Excel. In summary,
although
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 it is easy to understand why social
skills
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 are given a lot of importance,
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whereas
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
certain professional skin brief even
without
Correct word choice
more important without
show examples
 social interaction. That means both are important for
childrens
Replace the word
children
.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. One side is about competition, and the other side is about team work. Your essay talks mostly about social skills, so the task is not fully answered.
task response
Give your opinion in a direct way. Say clearly which side you support and keep this same idea through the essay.
task response
Use examples that match the topic. Add one example for competition at school and one example for cooperation in class.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph. Now some ideas mix together, so the reader can get lost.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like first, also, however, for example, and in conclusion. Some links in your essay are not used in a clear way.
coherence and cohesion
Make each point easy to follow. Explain how the idea starts, then give a reason, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a short conclusion, so the essay has a full shape.
task response
You try to discuss two views and give your opinion.
task response
You use some examples from real jobs, which shows effort to support your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • competition - trying to do better than others
  • competitive - wanting to win
  • cooperation - working together
  • team work - doing a task with others
  • goal - something you want to achieve
  • pressure - strong feeling to do well
  • stress - worry from too much work or fear
  • motivation - reason to work hard
  • confidence - belief in yourself
  • friendship - good relationship with others
  • share ideas - give your thoughts to other people
  • solve problems - find answers to difficulties
  • real life - the world outside school
  • personal responsibility - duty for your own work
  • balanced approach - using both sides in a fair way
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