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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Scientists tell us some activities are good for health and others are bad. Despite knowing that, millions of people continue doing unhealthy activities. What are the causes and what are the solutions?

In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary world, the
obesity
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 rate is increasing
day
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 by
day
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. Even though
warning of scientists
Correct word order
scientists warn
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, more individuals are prone to continue their bad habits. Encouraging
people
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 by
organizing
Change the spelling
organising
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 running marathons for a reward can be a real incentive.
Additionally
Linking Words
, correcting eating habits can be a real point to keep fit Nowadays, health problems have become prevalent among humanity
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 more than 900 million individuals
in
Change preposition
on
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 the whole earth are suffering from
obesity
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.
Obesity
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 can lead to several physical diseases,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
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apply
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 vulnerability of leg bones, problems with the respiratory system.
Obesity
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 is not an inborn condition
,
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;
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however
Linking Words
, it is a reflection of the eating habits and lifestyle. As long as
people
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 sit in their chairs and scroll on the Tiktok whole
day
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 by consuming their favourite junk food, they gain weight.
As a result
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, individuals experience burnout, stress and fatigue. Originally, the beginning of
obesity
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 began in one specific country. In the United States, as TV became widespread
with
Change preposition
,
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 the combination of their popular junk food, a hamburger, led to huge drawbacks.
People
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 become totally lazy
,
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apply
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 by watching their lovely TV show all
day
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. To cope with
this
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, officials should encourage them to be proactive.
On the other hand
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, nobody is going to participate in the projects that are without income. Basically, challenging and persuading them to jog frequently can lead to huge weight loss.
In other words
Linking Words
, they not only
be
Wrong verb form
are
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 in the action, but
also
Linking Words
 they move quickly to burn deficient calories. In terms of nourishment,
people
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 should stick to a strict diet. Rarely do they consume only vitamin-rich salads, state of health increases significantly.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they should get rid of sugar and fast foods completely, in order to cleanse all poisonous elements
in their body
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apply
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. Plus, training in the gym regularly can help reduce the amount of fat in
their
Correct determiner usage
the
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 body In conclusion, health is all about the actions we are taking. Keeping it right can lead
people
Use synonyms
 to achieve dreams in terms of body physique, and guarantees a prolonged lifespan

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. Say clearly why people keep bad habits, and then give clear fixes.
task response
Your main ideas are good, but some points are not fully explained. Add one or two clear reasons and show how each solution works.
task response
Use examples that fit the question more closely. Some parts talk only about obesity, but the topic is wider than that.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. This is good for overall flow.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are weak. Put similar ideas together and move step by step from cause to solution.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning changes too fast. Use short, clear sentences and simple linking words like because, so, also, and however.
task response
You answer both causes and solutions, so you address the full task.
task response
You give some real ideas, like sport events, diet, and gym training.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing well, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear overall topic in each paragraph.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • addiction
  • chemical reactions
  • dependency
  • social and cultural norms
  • convenience
  • accessibility
  • education and awareness campaigns
  • temptations
  • implementing policies
  • taxing
  • supportive environment
  • accountability
  • unhealthy habits
What to do next:
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