IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What is your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this?

In the modern world, overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in
western
Fix capitalization
Western
show examples
 society
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 become an increasingly urgent concern.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the primary causes and effects of obesity in
western
Fix capitalization
Western
show examples
 areas and propose feasible strategies to solve
.
Correct pronoun usage
it.
show examples
 One of the principal drivers of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 habits is “1st cause “ .
This
Linking Words
 leads to many
children
Use synonyms
excess weight
Replace the word
being overweight
 from the high-calorie, low-nutrient foods
such
Linking Words
 as fast
food
Use synonyms
, sugary snacks, and soft drinks. Another compelling factor is that the decline in physical activity is
“2nd
Correct article usage
the “2nd
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 cause” .
As a result
Linking Words
, the
children
Use synonyms
 spend more time on the internet
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as playing video games, watching YouTube channels
wherever
Punctuation problem
, wherever
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.
Additionally
Linking Words
, several busy families don't have time to cook and buy
food
Use synonyms
 to take away for
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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. That's
also
Linking Words
 the cause make child are demand want to buy junk
food
Use synonyms
 every day. What is more, some parents may lack
of
Change preposition
apply
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awareness
understand
Change preposition
of
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 the importance of balanced nutrition or may unintentionally encourage overeating. To address
this
Linking Words
 growing issue, the government must implement a
food
Use synonyms
 safety policy and recommend that consumers should not buy foods of unknown origin that affect the health of
children
Use synonyms
 and adults. Another possible suggestion is
enhance
Verb problem
to enhance
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 critical thinking in parents and schools
Linking Words
also
Punctuation problem
, also
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 must encourage the
children
Use synonyms
engaging
Wrong verb form
to engage
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 in outdoor play or sports
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 teach them about how to maintain good health, avoid fast
food
Use synonyms
 and purchase healthier
like
Check wording
options like
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 fruits and vegetables. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 1st and 2nd causes are key factors, leading to
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
younger
Change preposition
in younger
show examples
by
Check wording
people by
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 unhealthy diets and reduced physical activity. Addressing
this
Linking Words
 issue requires combined efforts from families, schools, and governments to promote healthier lifestyles and create a supportive of child can help mitigate
this
Linking Words
 challenge

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly: causes and effects. You wrote causes and solutions, but effects are not fully explained.
task response
Use clear main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph for causes, one paragraph for effects.
task response
Give simple but specific examples, like health problems, low confidence, or trouble at school.
coherence and cohesion
Keep your ideas in a clear order. Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well: First, Also, As a result, For example, In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Do not include notes like '1st cause' and '2nd cause'. Write the full idea.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a conclusion.
task response
The essay stays on the topic of overweight children.
task response
You give more than one cause, such as bad food, low exercise, and busy parents.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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