The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

In the twenty-first century, the increase of obesity in the young generation has become an increasingly urgent concern in the general public
as well as
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the Western area
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, with
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approximately 20% of youngsters having to face up to overweightness over the past decade.
This
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essay will examine the primary causes of
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phenomenon and propose feasible strategies to tackle
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issue effectively. In terms of the reasons, one of the principal drivers of overweight is the lack of physical activity. It is highlighted that with the development of technologies, children nowadays are able to keep in touch with their friends or approach several kinds of knowledge and recreation without the concern of distance or
traveling
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outside.
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,
this
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results in a sedentary lifestyle, which can cause and worsen fatness.
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, another compelling factor is the diversity of fast food in children's daily lives. To illustrate, students can have a multitude of choices of snacks and junk
foods
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in the cafeteria. To address
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growing matter, the participation of administrators, schools, and parents is an essential element. First and foremost, the government must implement stricter regulations to combat the overuse of the Internet among youth
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well as encourage them to take part in outdoor activities in order to maintain good well-being.
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, schools' canteens must stop or decline the import of fast
foods
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and soft drinks that may lead to obesity.
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, it is recommended that students
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be facilitated to work out through mini-games or group exercises during break time.
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but not least, it would be beneficial if parents
know
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how to manage the way their children
utilize
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utilise
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the Internet and consume junk
foods
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. Thereby, they can diminish the concern of getting high weight and related diseases. All things considered,
while
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the overuse of the Internet and fast
foods
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cause the key factors, leading
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to
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fatness in
the
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apply
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adolescents, the cooperation of the governments, schools and parents can help mitigate
efficiently
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this challenge efficiently
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this
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challenge and generate a healthy future for the young generations.

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task response
For task response, you answer the cause part well, but you do not really discuss the effects. Add 1 clear part about what happens to children, family, and society.
task response
Your ideas are mostly clear, but some parts go away from the question. The question asks causes and effects, but your body talks about causes and solutions.
task response
Use more specific examples. For example, say what health problems overweight children may have, or how school life can be harder for them.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. This is good.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraph 2 is about causes, but paragraph 3 changes to solutions, not effects. Make one paragraph for causes and one paragraph for effects to fit the task better.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, like 'In addition' and 'Last but not least', but a few sentences are long and hard to follow. Keep them shorter and more direct.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
The first body paragraph stays on one main idea: causes of overweight.
task response
You give more than one cause, such as low exercise and fast food.
task response
Your position is easy to understand in most of the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • weight
  • health
  • trend
  • rise
  • cause
  • effect
  • diet
  • eat
  • food
  • junk food
  • fast food
  • sugary drinks
  • portion
  • exercise
  • movement
  • physical activity
  • screen time
  • school
  • home
  • parents
  • family
  • income
  • money
  • price
  • policy
  • advertising
  • parks
  • walk
  • bike
  • sport
  • gym
  • health care
  • illness
  • diabetes
  • blood pressure
  • heart
  • bullying
  • self-esteem
  • education
  • work
  • medicine
  • clinic
  • weight loss
  • weight gain
  • nutrition
  • vegetables
  • fruits
  • water
  • sugar
  • salt
  • fat
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