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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Despite a variety of sport facilities and gyms, people are less fit nowadays than ever before. What do you think are the main causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest

Nowadays, the gym and
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
places
Use synonyms
 offer various facilities that obviously support how
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 build their muscle or make their
body
Use synonyms
 healthy.
However
Linking Words
,
instead
Linking Words
 of using these
places
Use synonyms
, some
people
Use synonyms
 tend to
overconsuming
Wrong verb form
overconsume
show examples
 rich-oil
food
Use synonyms
 and
less
Verb problem
move less
show examples
moving
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, allowing the lackness of
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
healthy
body
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the frequent exercises will obviously be beneficial for
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
body
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is
also
Linking Words
 supported by
emerging
Replace the word
the emergence
 of multiple
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 and gym facilities, allowing
to
Correct word choice
easy
show examples
 access
it easily
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, the rapidness of fast
food
Use synonyms
 industries
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 over the position of
communities
Check wording
community interests
show examples
interest
Use synonyms
, leading to less desire to use these
exercise
Use synonyms
facilites
Correct your spelling
facilities
.
For instance
Linking Words
, overconsuming
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
fast
food
Use synonyms
 will
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
body
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 the comfort feeling after eating
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
show examples
 kind of
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
along with
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 bad habit,
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
body
Use synonyms
 will
faces the
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
 diseases
,
Change preposition
such as
show examples
 diabetes or
heart
Correct article usage
a heart
show examples
 attack, that leading to death.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 issue needs to be overcome by specific solutions, which can make
people
Use synonyms
 put their
interest
Use synonyms
 back into
exercises
Check wording
exercise
show examples
.
Making collaboration
Verb problem
Collaboration
show examples
 with the government may be
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good point
that is
Linking Words
 able to decrease the
overconsuming
Replace the word
overconsumption of
 fast
food
Use synonyms
 by
emerging
Verb problem
implementing
show examples
 the fast
food
Use synonyms
 tax law.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
exercise
Use synonyms
places
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
special offers for
people
Use synonyms
, where they can get
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 discount
at first
Change preposition
by
show examples
 trying
in
Change preposition
out
show examples
 the
exercise
Use synonyms
places
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, they can get either
discount
Correct article usage
a discount
show examples
 or
free
Correct article usage
a free
show examples
 price
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 using the facilities in the first month. By
emerging
Verb problem
enforcing
show examples
 the government law and
exercise
Use synonyms
 place's offering,
people
Use synonyms
 will possibly shift their
interest
Use synonyms
 from eating fast
food
Use synonyms
into the
Change preposition
to
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
 activities.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the issues that relate to the
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
body
Use synonyms
 will notably
drops
Wrong verb form
drop
show examples
. In conclusion, the lack of
interest
Use synonyms
 in visiting
exercise
Use synonyms
places
Use synonyms
 will
emerge the
Verb problem
lead to a
show examples
 serious issue relating
Use synonyms
body
Change preposition
to body
show examples
 health, but can be
overcomed
Correct your spelling
overcome
 by managing the
food
Use synonyms
 tax law and giving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
particular
offering
Check wording
offerings
show examples
 in
exercise
Use synonyms
places
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You talk about causes and solutions, but the ideas are not wide enough.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body part. One body part should focus on causes, and one should focus on solutions.
task response
Explain why people do not exercise with more direct reasons, such as long work hours, screen time, and easy food delivery.
task response
Give examples that are more real and clear. Some examples now are too general.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly with simple words like first, also, because, so, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same point about fast food. Add one more cause and one more solution.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to give causes, effects, and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used, such as however, for instance, and therefore.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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