IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people are consuming more sugar than is healthy. What are the causes of this trend, and what measures can be taken to reduce sugar consumption?

In many
region
Fix the agreement mistake
regions
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，individuals are consuming an unhealthy amount of
sugar
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 on a daily basis. The worrying tendency is driven by
Correct article usage
the public
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public
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public's
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 lack
an
Change preposition
of
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awareness
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 of health
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 they do not realize daily healthy
sugar
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 intake and the
healthy
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health
 issues caused by
high-
Correct article usage
a high-sugar
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sugar
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diet
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. In order to address the problem, both governments and individuals need to take effective measures to limit
sugar
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 intake. The growing trend of excessive
sugar
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 intake can be attributed to the deficiency of healthy
awareness
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. Most people
prioritize
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prioritise
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 the taste of food over its nutritional
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awareness
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value
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, and they are often unaware of the health risks of a high-
sugar
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diet
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,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity
and
Correct word choice
apply
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. In the process, they consume a large
number
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amount
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 of
sugars
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sugar
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due to
Linking Words
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
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diet
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, processed foods and drinks contain high levels of hidden
sugar
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, making it easy for consumers who have limited knowledge about a healthy
diet
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 to take in too much
sugar
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 without
realizing
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realising
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 it. To combat
this
Linking Words
 problem, both governments and individuals should take action. On the one
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 people should acquire basic health-related knowledge to raise their
awareness
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 of healthy living, which helps them to reduce their
sugar
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 consumption to
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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 standard.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, governments need to introduce strict
regulation
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regulations
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 that require food companies and restaurants to clearly label the
sugar
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 content, so that consumers can make informed decisions.
For example
Linking Words
, some countries require health
warning
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warnings
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 and labels on sugary beverages, which must be clearly printed on packaging. In conclusion, overconsumption of
sugar
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 is mainly caused by
the
Correct article usage
a
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 lack of healthy
awareness
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. By combining governments’ policies and personal efforts, people can gradually return to a healthy level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain the cause well, but the measures part needs more detail.
task response
Add one more clear cause, such as cheap sugary food or strong ads, to make your answer more complete.
task response
Use more specific examples. Your example about warning labels is good, but it needs more detail.
coherence cohesion
Make each main idea easier to follow. Some sentences are long and not fully clear.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'first', 'also', 'as a result', and 'for example'.
coherence cohesion
Develop each body paragraph more. Give one idea, then explain it, then give an example.
task response
You answer both parts of the question.
task response
Your main topic is clear from the start.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The order of ideas is logical and easy to see.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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