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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

TEST X: Nowadays, more and more older people who need employment have to compete with younger people for the same jobs. What problems does it cause? What are the solutions?

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During the
last
Linking Words
 few years, employments had become more and more difficult to find. One of the main reasons is the
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 number of
people
Use synonyms
 who are applying for the same job, and
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the cause of
this
Linking Words
 is the number of younger
people
Use synonyms
 who are competing with the older ones. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, the bad consequences and the solutions to
this
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 condition are going to be discussed and analysed.
First,
Linking Words
one big problem of
this
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 concurrence between generations is the discrepancy in physical abilities, because, normally, teenagers are stronger and have better resistance than elderlies. A fact which is able to prove
this
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 affirmation is the difference
of
Change preposition
between
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 categories
inside
Change preposition
in
show examples
 sports.
For example
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, in judo,
people
Use synonyms
 are diveded in many groups
Punctuation problem
,
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and each group are the junction of fighters with approximate age and weight.
This
Linking Words
 is related to the topic because many jobs
also
Linking Words
 require good physical conditions. Another challenge that elderlies may find is the
tecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
 issue, because they tend to lack knowledge in
this
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 area. In the same way as the
last
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 topic, the creation of laws capable of providing some employment for workers with difficulty getting a job would be a great solution for the cited social difficulty. One example of
this
Linking Words
 type of public politicy are the racial quotas in Brazil.
Although
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 the massive racial inequality caused by slavery in Brazil,
this
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 law provides many Brazilians
the
Change preposition
with the
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 opportunity
for
Change preposition
to
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 study and get better jobs.
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Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 the Brazilian racial problem is different from
this
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 generation problem
,
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;
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 quotas may be useful
also
Linking Words
 in
this
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 case, providing opportunities for everyone. In conclusion, the competition between older and younger
people
Use synonyms
 for employment causes many problems, but, if correctly treated, can be solved. So, public forces are responsible for fighting against
this
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 type of social difficulty and should create a quota system.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You talk about problems and one solution, but the solution part is not developed enough.
task response
Make your main ideas clearer. Some ideas are hard to follow, and some sentences are too general.
task response
Use examples that fit the job topic more directly. The sports example is not very strong for this question.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple and correct way. Some links now feel forced or not natural.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because they sometimes make your meaning unclear.
task response
You answer both parts of the question, so your essay stays on topic.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has paragraphing, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • age discrimination
  • stereotypes
  • adaptability
  • technological skills
  • mental stress
  • diverse workforce
  • intergenerational conflicts
  • work styles
  • communication methods
  • job market
  • skill requirements
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