IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think there could be more benefits to society if more people study business than history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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With the development,
business
Use synonyms
gradually
Verb problem
has gradually
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 become
the
Correct article usage
a
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 major part
for
Change preposition
of
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 our
society
Use synonyms
. The common recognition may support that studying
business
Use synonyms
 is more significant than studying
history
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I do not think it is good for us to throw away
history
Use synonyms
 and only focus on
business
Use synonyms
 activities.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is undoubtedly that
business
Use synonyms
 is the key factor for how
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
Use synonyms
 works, because
business
Use synonyms
 is highly
relative
Correct word choice
relevant
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 to money, which we have to use
everyday
Rephrase
every day
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.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, if we only support the research of
business
Use synonyms
, individuals may take money as the only worthy value.
Therefore
Linking Words
, we may
lost
Wrong verb form
lose
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 coherence between us, since people only want to earn more money and stop helping the disables that cannot offer wealth value. Causing cold and selfish
society
Use synonyms
 issues in the long-term.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the value of
history
Use synonyms
 is to learn
the
Change preposition
from the
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 mistakes
from
Change preposition
of the
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 ancients, preventing
from
Correct pronoun usage
us from
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 making the same errors.
For example
Linking Words
, with the tragedy of what nuclear weapons
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 done, we would be more cautious
while
Linking Words
 using
nuclear-relative
Correct word choice
nuclear-related
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 technologies.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
history
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 can help us
understanding
Wrong verb form
understand
show examples
 how
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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, or to be more specific, the climate and sea-level have changed. With
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 studies, we can predict the possible changes and prepare earlier to
minimized
Wrong verb form
minimise
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 the damage to our
society
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I believe that
business
Use synonyms
 is not the only key to benefit our
society
Use synonyms
, but
history
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 can
also
Linking Words
 teach us how to reduce the
problem
Check wording
problems
show examples
 that may occur,
on
Change preposition
in
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 either human or natural aspects.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, our
society
Use synonyms
 may lose its function of combining people's
heart
Fix the agreement mistake
hearts
show examples
.

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly in each body part.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your ideas.
task response
Make your main ideas easier to understand with simpler sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects clearly to the one before it.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
You include examples about nuclear weapons and climate change.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraph order is easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Economic growth
  • Practical skills
  • Employment opportunities
  • Consumer awareness
  • Global markets
  • Cross-cultural communication
  • Cultural awareness
  • Critical thinking
  • Historical perspective
  • Balanced approach
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