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Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart below shows the percentage of a drug company's total sales, by region, from 2002 to 2006.

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The given bar chart provides
a
Correct article usage
apply
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detailed information about the
percentages
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 of
Use synonyms
drug
Correct article usage
the drug
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 company’s total
sale
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sales
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, in four regions, including Asia,
European
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 and
Africa
Punctuation problem
, Africa
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, North
America
Use synonyms
, and South
America
Use synonyms
, between 2002
to
Correct word choice
and
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 2006. The given data is
measures
Wrong verb form
measured
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 in
percentages
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
European
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 and
Africa
Correct word choice
African
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companies
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 represented the highest share,
while
Linking Words
 the smallest figures were recorded by South
America
Use synonyms
. Observing in detail, there was a similar share in the
percentages
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 of Asia and South
America
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, representing 12% and 11%, respectively, in 2002. The
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
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 for
drug
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companies
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 in North
America
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 accounted for 33% and 28%, between 2002 and 2003, respectively.
Besides
Linking Words
,
European
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 and African producers showed almost the
similar
Correct word choice
same
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 rate, with their respective
percentages
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 44% and 45%, from 2002
and
Change preposition
to
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 2003. South
America
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 made up 7%,
while
Linking Words
 Asian
drug
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companies
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 represented 7%. Turning to 2004, there is a noticeable difference
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
figure
Check wording
figures
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 for Asian and South
American
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drug
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 organisations, representing 22% and 6%,
in turn
Rephrase
respectively
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. The rate of North
American
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companies
Use synonyms
 accounted for
a
Correct article usage
apply
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half
percentage
Correct article usage
a percentage
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 of
European
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 and African
companies
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, representing 24%. There was a decrease in
share
Correct article usage
the share
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 of
European
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 and African, and North
American
Use synonyms
companies
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, making up 44% and 21%, respectively.
While
Linking Words
 Asian
companies
Use synonyms
 represented 24%, 11% was recorded by
companies
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 which located in South
America
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. In 2006, South
American
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 and North
American
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companies
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stood
Verb problem
remained
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 stable.
However
Linking Words
, the percentage of
companies
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 in Europe and Africa declined to 40%.
Besides
Linking Words
, there was an
ascent
Check wording
increase
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 in
figure for
Check wording
the number of
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companies
Use synonyms
 in Asia, accounting for 28%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "besides, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentages, drug, european, america, companies, american with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 6 times.
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