IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The use of mobile phone in public places is an antisocial as smoking . Smoking is banned in certain places , so mobile phones should be banned in same way . To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

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In recent years, it is often
agrued
Correct your spelling
argued
 that
use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 in public
places
Use synonyms
 is equally bad as smoking.
While
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 some people may disagree. I strongly disagree that
somking
Correct your spelling
smoking
cannot
Rephrase
can
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 be compared to using
phones
Use synonyms
 in public
places
Use synonyms
 for
to
Change preposition
apply
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several reasons and
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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 it
offer
Correct subject-verb agreement
offers
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.
By contrast
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 to smoking. The primary reason that I disagree with the topic is that carrying
phones
Use synonyms
while
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 away from home is the most important step towards safety.
This
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 is because it is not safe to roam outside of home nowadays, without
mobile
Correct article usage
a mobile
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 phone
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due
Punctuation problem
, due
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 to increasing crime rates.
For instance
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, robbing or life threats are becoming
to be
Verb problem
apply
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common
while
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 being out, but with the presence of
phone
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phones
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 and
technology
Add a comma
technology,
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 you can reach out to authorities like
police
Correct article usage
the police
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 or
the
Correct article usage
your
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 close ones in difficult times.
As a result
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,
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
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 can be useful in times when nobody is around.
On the other hand
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, remembering exact locations you want to visit can be challenging
due to
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 the expansion and development in urban and rural
places
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, which results in many streets, roads, and colonies.
Therefore
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,
mobiles
Replace the word
mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 and technologies combined can offer facilities like
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 Google and Apple maps
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are virtual maps that locate and provide the exact information about the
surrounding
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surroundings
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. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
due to
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 safety reasons and the facilities provided by mobile
phones
Use synonyms
, it cannot be compared to smoking.
Whereas
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 smoking has all
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
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 to health. The long-term benefits of using and carrying
phones
Use synonyms
 in public
places
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 outweigh any
drawback
Check wording
drawbacks
show examples
. I believe that mobiles should not be banned.

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task response
Answer the question more directly in each part. Say clearly why you disagree and keep this focus to the end.
task response
Add one more clear idea about why phone use in public is not the same as smoking. This will make your answer more full.
task response
Use examples that fit the topic more closely. Your safety example is useful, but add an example about public places like buses, parks, or shops.
coherence and cohesion
Make your ideas easier to follow with clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some lines feel broken or unclear, so use simple linking words well, like first, also, for example, and therefore.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very short sentence parts, like 'By contrast to smoking.' Join them to full sentences.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic clear shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You use an example about safety to support your main idea.
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