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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is better for children if the whole families (e.g aunts, uncles and grandparents) are involved in the children’s upbringing, rather than their fathers and mothers only. Do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Some people believe that
children
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 should not be raised only by their parents but
also
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 with the involvement of extended family
members
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such
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 as grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I agree with
this
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 view because it provides
children
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 with better support and guidance. One main reason why involving wider family in a child's upbringing is beneficial is that it provides greater emotional and physical support.
This
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 is because parents are often busy with work and may not always be available.
For example
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, older relatives can take care of young
children
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 and offer guidance when primary caregivers are not around.
As a result
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,
children
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 receive better attention and care.
This
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also
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 helps reduce stress for parents, as responsibilities can be shared among family
members
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. Another important reason is that
children
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 can develop stronger social and moral values through interaction with a wide range of family
members
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.
This
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 is because they are exposed to different perspectives and life experiences from other
members
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.
For instance
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, the older generation often teaches
children
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 respect, discipline, and cultural traditions.
This
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 exposure helps
children
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 become socially aware in their daily lives.
Similarly
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, other relatives can provide emotional support and guidance, often acting as close friends.
As a result
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, the child grows up with stronger values and a better understanding of society. In summary, raising
children
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 with the involvement of the wider family is highly essential for better upbringing. Young people who grow up in
such
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 environments are more likely to develop a stronger sense of culture and social awareness.

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task response
Make your main view stronger in the first part. Say more clearly why you agree.
task response
Add one more real or clear example to make your ideas stronger.
task response
Explain a little more how each family member helps the child in different ways.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some lines start the same way, so the flow feels a bit repeated.
coherence and cohesion
Make one idea in each body part the clear focus, then add support for that one idea.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word choice and spacing problems, because they can make the reading less smooth.
task response
You answer the question and keep your view clear from start to end.
task response
Your ideas are easy to understand and stay on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape with an opening, two body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has a main idea and supporting sentences.
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