IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too.nDo you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
Military service for young males
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 mandatory in most
nations
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 say it would be an extraordinary idea for all
nations
Use synonyms
 to implement
this
Linking Words
 system
while
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 having young
women
Use synonyms
 be
apart
Use the right word
a part
show examples
 of
.
Correct pronoun usage
it.
show examples
 I strongly agree with that, as it can make a nation more powerful and would educate the young
people
Use synonyms
 of the
country
Use synonyms
 on different
life
Use synonyms
skills
Use synonyms
 and the hardships they encounter. Some
nations
Use synonyms
 are measured by how powerful their army is,
young
Correct word choice
and young
show examples
 men and
women
Use synonyms
 are the future of the
country
Use synonyms
. The saying goes strength in numbers, the more
people
Use synonyms
 their is, the more powerful and versatile a nation becomes. Many young individuals have the passion to
also
Linking Words
 protect the
country
Use synonyms
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 others are brilliant, which could lead to new discoveries and technologies that can be useful in some military activities. America,
for example
Linking Words
,has one of the best armies in the world with high technological weapons. Mandatory military service
also
Linking Words
 enhances a person’s
life
Use synonyms
skills
Use synonyms
. Many
skills
Use synonyms
 can be obtained from these services.
Self-defense
Change the spelling
Self-defence
show examples
 is an important skill that we must teach young
people
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
country
Use synonyms
 to feel more secure and confident as their family members. Many other
skills
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as disciplines, courage and mental health is needed for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
everyday
life
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, mandatory military service for young men and
women
Use synonyms
 would be an extraordinary idea for
nations
Use synonyms
 to implement
this
Linking Words
 system for both men and
women
Use synonyms
. I believe that it would greatly benefit the
nation
Punctuation problem
nation,
show examples
 as it could lead to new discoveries and
life
Use synonyms
skills
Use synonyms
 for the young
people
Use synonyms
 of the
country
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Say if this should be for all countries, and say more about women too.
task response
Give fuller reasons. Your main ideas are good, but they need more detail and clearer support.
task response
Use better examples. The example about America is too general and does not fully support compulsory service.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas clearer. Some sentences jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Build each body paragraph around one clear main idea, then explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Check word use and grammar because unclear sentences can make your ideas hard to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start: you strongly agree.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant to the topic: national strength and life skills.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: