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Writing Samples
Band 4

In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered as ‘role models’ and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?

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In many parts of the world, a number of
celebrities
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 are considered role models
and
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, and
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 they are having an increasing influence on young individuals. Having considered both views,
i
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I
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 think there are both good and bad sides to
celebrities
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 becoming role models.
From a
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On the
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 positive
sides
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side
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,
celebrities
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 help young
people
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 gain more motivation. Many stars have risen from difficulties with hard work and talent, helping young
people
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 believe that if you try, you will succeed.
Besides
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, when
celebrities
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 do charity or protect the environment, they create a good wave, encouraging their fans to love and help the community more.
For instance
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, in Vietnam, artists like Den Vau have used revenue from music to build schools and cook for children in highland areas,
project
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through the project
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 "Cooking for Children".
This
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 action helps young
people
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 care and share with those who are more difficult than themselves.
On the contrary
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,
this
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 influence
also
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 has negative sides . Many young
people
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 feel self-conscious when they see
celebrities
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 who are always beautiful and rich on social networks, despite the fact that those photos are often edited.
This
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 easily leads to young
people
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 pursuing a materialistic lifestyle.
In addition
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, if an idol has bad
behavior
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behaviour
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such
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 as using drugs or swearing, fans may imitate them because they think
that
Correct pronoun usage
it's
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 cool. In summary, whether their influence is good or bad depends greatly on how young
people
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 receive information.
Instead
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 of blindly imitating, young
people
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 should choose good qualities
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such
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, such
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 as hard work and kindness
to
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, to
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 learn from.

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task response
Make your main view more clear in the first part. You say there are both good and bad sides, but the question asks if this is more positive or more negative.
task response
Add one more line to explain why the good side or bad side is stronger. This will help your answer feel more complete.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some parts can be more fully explained. For example, say more about how young people copy famous people and what results come from this.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: intro, good side, bad side, and ending. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example, 'From a positive sides' should be 'On the positive side'. Small changes like this make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not joined well. Try to connect ideas with simple words like 'because', 'so', 'however', and 'for example'.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and stay on the main point.
task response
The example about Den Vau is specific and helps support your idea.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion, which gives the essay a full shape.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea, so the reader can follow your meaning.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • role models
  • celebrity culture
  • aspirational
  • negative influences
  • unrealistic body images
  • discernment
  • amplifying
  • guidance
  • perceptions
  • activism
  • charity work
  • overshadowing
  • endorsements
  • consumer behavior
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