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Band 5

Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statemen

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childhood
Fix capitalization
Childhood
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 obesity is becoming a major concern in
Australia
Punctuation problem
Australia,
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 where a significant proportion of youngsters are overweight. Some individuals think that
school
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schools
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 should have the responsibility to monitor
student's
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students'
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 meals and diet.
However
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, I do not fully agree with
this
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 notion. I believe
parents
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 and
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 can play a significant role in addressing
this
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 issue by guiding their habits and lifestyles. Undoubtedly,
children
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 spend most of their time at
schools
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school
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, and it is the responsibility of school management to guide students for healthy
food
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 choices and
excercises
Correct your spelling
exercises
.
For example
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, schools can ban
fast-
Correct your spelling
fast food
food
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 in canteens,
and
Correct word choice
apply
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check lunch menus, and encourage
them
Correct pronoun usage
students
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 to perform physical activities to stay active.
In contrast
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, I believe
parents
Use synonyms
 can contribute far more to addressing
this
Linking Words
 issue. It is common to see
children
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 follow in the footsteps of their
parents
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, and if
parents
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 buy unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 for
themselves
Punctuation problem
themselves,
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then
Linking Words
 similar behaviour can be expected from youngsters.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should take responsibility for planning their
children
Use synonyms
's meals,
serve
Wrong verb form
serving
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 them fresh
food
Use synonyms
 at home, and encouraging them to participate in extracurricular activities. The government can implement strict rules and regulations in the country regarding the selling and buying of fast
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, a ban on unhealthy
items
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 will discourage people from buying these
items
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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then
Linking Words
 they automatically
take
Verb problem
apply
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turn towards healthy
food
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the authorities can introduce
awareness
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an awareness
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 campaign to educate people about
long-term
Correct article usage
the long-term
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 health risks of consuming junk
food
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.
By promoting
Change preposition
Promoting
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 healthy
food
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items
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 at a national level
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 will definitely help to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
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obesity in
children
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. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 schools can provide support in reducing childhood obesity by monitoring their activities, I believe the government and
parents
Use synonyms
 can contribute
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
far more to address
this
Linking Words
 issue.

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task response
Answer all parts of the question more clearly. Your view is clear, but you should say more about how far you agree.
task response
Use more direct and clear main ideas in each body paragraph.
task response
Give more specific examples, not only general ones.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are good, but a few sentences are not smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph focus. The first body paragraph mixes school and parents, so the main point is less clear.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are easy to follow overall.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity = being very overweight
  • increasing problem = a growing issue
  • have a responsibility = have a duty
  • monitor = check and watch
  • diet = the food people eat
  • exercise = physical activity
  • healthy habits = good daily actions
  • junk food = unhealthy food
  • school canteen = the place in school where food is sold
  • balanced diet = a mix of healthy foods
  • physical education = sport and exercise lessons
  • take part in sport = join sport activities
  • prevent illness = stop disease
  • public health = the health of all people
  • play an important role = have a big part
  • share responsibility = divide the duty
  • set rules = make rules
  • raise awareness = help people know more
  • long-term solution = a fix that works for a long time
  • be in charge of = be responsible for
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