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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that family has the greatest influence on children’s development while others think that other areas such as television and friends have a greater influence. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Some people believe that family has the greatest impact on
children
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's growth,
while
Linking Words
 others think that other areas,
for example
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, television (like TV, radio, and other television programs) and friends, have a greater effect. I think
children
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's development is more influenced by their family than by other entertainment
things
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apply
show examples
.
Parents
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 play a role in
children
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's progress in life,
such
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 as providing a good upbringing.
Parents
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 must
also
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 help their
children
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study
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.
Parents
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 must send their
children
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 to school to ensure they get a formal education. At school,
children
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 learn a great deal,
such
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 as music, science subjects like math, chemistry, physics, and a lot more, and
also
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 humanities like foreign languages, like
English
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, the most popular language in the world. It is a great way to
study
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 abroad. When
children
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study
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 different countries, it helps to develop their
country
Check wording
understanding of the world
show examples
.
However
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, watching too much TV can have bad effects on their health, like eye strain and obesity, which is most
popular
Correct word choice
common
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 among young people, and
also
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 bad effects on their
back
Fix the agreement mistake
backs
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.
Children
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 should
study
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 a lot, since
kids
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 have a lot of time when they are younger. It is a waste of time.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should attend their
children
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's extra lessons, like learning a musical instrument, and it is
also
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 very beneficial to learn a foreign language
like
Change preposition
, such as
show examples
 a European language and
English
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.
English
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 is
also
Linking Words
 very beneficial for their jobs in the future since
English
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 has a great deal of new information. In conclusion, family is the first source of upbringing. I believe that getting a good education and learning languages, even abroad, is essential for a child's future and to develop their country.

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task response
Task response: You answer the question and give your opinion, but the part about friends is missing. Write about both sides in a more equal way.
task response
Task response: Some ideas are not fully clear. Try to explain how family helps a child grow, and how TV or friends can also shape behavior and learning.
task response
Task response: Use one or two clear examples. For example, parents teach values at home, while friends can change habits and speech at school.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has an introduction, body, and conclusion, which is good. But some parts move away from the main topic, such as study abroad and jobs.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Make one main idea for each body paragraph. For example, one paragraph for family, and one paragraph for TV and friends.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Use simple linking words clearly, such as first, however, also, for example, and in conclusion.
task response
You clearly give your opinion that family has the biggest influence.
coherence and cohesion
You include a full essay form with an opening and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to connect ideas with words like however and therefore.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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