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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that family is the most powerful influence of a child's development while others think other factors such as friends, television and music have better influence. Discuss both of views and give your opinion

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In the contemporary era, there is an ongoing debate as to whether close family
members
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 or external factors have a significant impact on shaping
children’s
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 social and psychological development. Proponents of family
influence
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 argue that
this
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 approach helps children gain essential life skills,
while
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 their opponents claim that
peer
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 pressure and mass media play a crucial
role
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 in shaping
children’s
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behaviour
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 and attitudes.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides before presenting my own viewpoint. On the one hand, many believe that close family
members
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 act as
role
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 models, as parents’ and grandparents’
behaviour
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 and reactions can be the primary
influence
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 on
children’s
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 characteristics. Toddlers,
for example
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, can imitate their parents when greeting guests, which can foster greater confidence. If
this
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 skill is not acquired, children may struggle to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships, which, in turn, could lead to low self-esteem in the long term.
Therefore
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,
this
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 underscores the need for family
influence
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 in order to ensure a strong personality.
In addition
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, family
members
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 can demonstrate essential personality traits
such
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 as discipline and hard work, which play a crucial
role
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 in achieving life goals.
This
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 is particularly important for teenagers, whose academic achievements rely on tenacity and determination, ultimately making young individuals more adaptable to challenges.
On the other hand
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, in my view,
children’s
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 surroundings can
also
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 have an
influence
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 on their attitudes.
In other words
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, young individuals who are exposed to
peer
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 pressure may misbehave without noticing the negative consequences. Adolescents,
for example
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, may take up smoking or alcohol consumption in order to be accepted by their
peer
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 groups.
As a result
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, these teenagers may face serious social and health issues
due to
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such
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 influences. Another factor is mass media, which often contains violent content. When consumed excessively, certain television programmes can affect
children’s
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 mindset, leading to a propensity for aggressive
behaviour
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. If not managed effectively,
this
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 trend can lead to serious social problems
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as engaging in petty crime. All the arguments mentioned above illustrate the importance of selecting an appropriate environment for
children’s
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 development. In conclusion,
although
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 close family
members
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 play a fundamental
role
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 in shaping
children’s
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 personality and
behaviour
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, external factors
such
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 as
peer
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 pressure and mass media are equally influential.
Therefore
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, it is essential to maintain a balanced environment in order to support
children’s
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overall
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 social and psychological development.

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task response
Make your main view more clear in the end. You say both are important, but your opinion should be more direct.
task response
Add one more very clear example for media or friends to make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are a bit long. Use shorter sentences at times to make the line of thought easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link your second body paragraph more clearly to the question by showing why these outside factors can be stronger than family in some cases.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view.
task response
Your ideas are clear and mostly well explained.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and a clear end.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, such as On the one hand, On the other hand, and In conclusion.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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