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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There are individuals who claim that competing at work or school can be a benefit to our society.
Whereas
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 others believe that it is better for
people
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 to cooperate and stand together as one. In my opinion, it really depends on each side's reasons, whether it can or can not change us into a better society. On the one hand, there are
people
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 who claim that competition has great benefits. It occurs to them that having competition at school or work can build stronger generations
,
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apply
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 and have them perform well
with
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in
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 everything in life.
Furthermore
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, they see it as a source of income in many kinds of ways,
for example
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, art, singing, dancing, and cooking.
On the other hand
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, other individuals prefer not to compete with others
,
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;
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 they like to cooperate and not to see
people
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 as opponents. It is known to them that it is much easier to cooperate, and it is much healthier and more fun than competing and stressing about a specific thing with others.
Moreover
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, it is better to cooperate owing to the fact that it has the opportunity to make many
people
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 successful and more social, and
having
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has
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 the ability to meet new
people
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 from different countries and regions.
In addition
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, it can make them less isolated and angry, as when some
people
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 compete with their opponents, they get frustrated and might have a heart attack. In conclusion, there has to be a healthy way to balance it out, with
having
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no stress around. It is essential for
people
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 to understand both points if views
due to
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 their own reasons. To me, I think that we need to find a way which could be great for both points of view, with no problems happening.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about both views, but your own view is not clear enough.
task response
Give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep it the same in the conclusion.
task response
Add one real and clear example for each side. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
Some ideas are too general. Explain why competition is good, and why cooperation is good, with more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear paragraph plan, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some lines are too long, and some joins are not smooth.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraph about cooperation has many ideas at once. Split and order them more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point easy to follow: point, explain, example.
task response
You discuss both views, so you address the main task.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are easy to see in most parts of the essay.
task response
You try to add reasons for both sides, which is a good start.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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