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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

At universities in some countries, it is common for students, especially for those who have no scholarship, to have jobs while they study. They may work in offices, at the library, in labs or as teachers’ assistants. They earn money for living expenses and sometimes receive a reduction in tuition as well. Is this a good idea? Support your opinion with specific reasons and details.

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Many
students
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 in some countries, especially
for
Change preposition
apply
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those who do not have a scholarship,
to
Wrong verb form
apply
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have a
part
Correct your spelling
part-time
time
Use synonyms
job
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 they study ,
such
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 as working in an office
or
Punctuation problem
,
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 at the library or
labs
Change preposition
in labs
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, to earn money for living expenses and sometimes receive a reduction in tuition as well.In my opinion , part
time
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job
Use synonyms
 specifically for university
students
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 is a great opportunity because they gain more experience and learn life skills.
Firstly
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, part
time
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job
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 for
students
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 its incredible opportunity because they can support themselves
financially
Punctuation problem
financially,
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 do not need to rely on anyone ,
such
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 as their parents , and I think
that is
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 very important
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 independence.
In addition
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,some
students
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work
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 in their field
while
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 studying , and that
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 them to gain more
work
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 experience and after they graduate ,they can enter the
job
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 market easily.
For example
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,some international
students
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, espicially african student, need to
work
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besides
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 their studies because their parents cannot send them money every month , like 900 dollar, to live in Europe or uk.
Secondly
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,
students
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' jobs assist
students
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 to gain responsibility and understand the value of money and
time
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. They can create a small programme between studies and
work
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 to organise their daily schedule.
Additionally
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,they prepare themselves for the future at a young age
and that
Correct word choice
which is
show examples
 more beneficial for them.
For example
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,some
students
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work
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 in restaurants or shops, and
this
Linking Words
 helps them to improve their communication skills because they contact people throughout the day.
To sum up
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, I believe that having a part-
time
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job
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 is a very positive idea for university
students
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 because it provides financial support, valuable
work
Use synonyms
 experience, and important life skills that will help them in the future.

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task response
Answer the question more fully. You say it is a good idea, but you can also show why some people may not agree, then explain why your view is stronger.
task response
Use more clear examples. Your ideas are good, but some examples are too general or not fully explained.
task response
Develop each main idea a little more. Add one more sentence to show how work helps study or future life.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter and easier to follow. A few long sentences are hard to read.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Use simple words like First, Also, For example, As a result, and Finally.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph flow. Some parts need better order, so one idea leads clearly to the next one.
task response
You clearly answer the question and give your opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending.
task response
Your main points are easy to see: money, work experience, and life skills.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial burden
  • Living expenses
  • Tuition fees
  • Time management
  • Balancing responsibilities
  • Professional experience
  • Resume
  • Competitive edge
  • Job market
  • Networking opportunities
  • Career prospects
  • Internships
  • Academic performance
  • Dual responsibilities
  • Overwhelming
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