IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that universities should focus only on academic subjects, while others think they should also teach practical life skills such as money management and communication. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often argued that universities should mainly focus on academic
subjects
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,
while
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 others suggest they should upgrade
curriculum
Correct determiner usage
their curriculum
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 to real-life
skills
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 like money management, risk analysis and communication. I strongly believe it is important for
students
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 to learn practical life
skills
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 to develop their life
skills
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both perspectives and give my own statement, owing to reasonable assumptions. On the one hand,
students
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 should learn important academic
subjects
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 to reach academic excellence.
Thus
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,
students
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 can increase their cognitive development.
Moreover
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, putting additional practical classes may enable
students
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 to focus on their profound
subjects
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,
such
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 as mathematics, physics, biology and chemistry.
For example
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,
according to
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 a study held in Turkey,
students
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 in educational facilities which contain an intense academic syllabus have greater excellence
on
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in
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 their academic
subjects
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 than the vocational school
students
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 who have less academic focus.
As a result
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 of implementing
syllabus
Correct article usage
the syllabus
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 to academic
subjects
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 only,
students
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 can strengthen their analytical knowledge
On the other hand
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, it can be observed that
students
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 who encounter holistic education may help improve them regarding increasing their multi-layered
skills
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, multi-tasking ability, and observation
skills
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,
instead
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 of exposing children to the stereotypical rote learning system.
Moreover
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,
students
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 can enhance their
daily-life basis
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daily lives
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, owing to a holistic education system.
For instance
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,
students
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 in vocational training are significantly better in risk management, financial analysis, and soft
skills
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.
Therefore
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,
students
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 who are learning
life-
Correct your spelling
life skills
skills
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 are noticeably better in real-life scenarios compared to other individuals. To recapitulate, I firmly believe that curriculum reform, namely adding soft
skills
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, is essential to raise children who have awareness.
This
Linking Words
 approach is likely to improve education quality to the next level.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your view is clear, but the first side is a bit short.
task response
Give one more clear and real example for each main idea.
task response
Some ideas are too general. Explain how and why more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is not natural. Use simple links like on the one hand, on the other hand, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are hard to follow because the wording is unclear. Keep sentences shorter and simpler.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You used paragraphing in a clear way.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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