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Band 6.5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #think #activities #child’s #health
Nowadays, the young generations spend lots of their time playing video
games
 and watching TV. Some individuals believe that
this
 trend will have a negative impact on
children
’s mental
health
. I agree with
this
 statement to some extent, in my point of view spending time in front of the screen has some drawbacks on
children
’s mental
health
 and their physical
health
 as well. The harmful mental effects of watching TV and playing video
games
 cannot be underestimated.
Firstly
,
children
 experience immense stress and tension
due to
 violent scenes in the movies. They have to deal with great anxiety when they watch killings or assaults on television. These kinds of stress would decrease their IQ and might reduce their efficiency in their study.
Secondly
, the films and
games
 convey a fake image of life to the
children
. They are not able to distinguish between reality and virtuality and these senses lead them to isolation and depression.
As a result
, they refuse to make friends and communicate with other people, and they just prefer to be alone. The majority of youngsters suffer from several physical problems
such
 as obesity and spin disorder.
To begin
 with,
children
 who spend hours without burning any calories become overweight. Eating great amounts of unhealthy snacks, high in saturated fat and sugar,
while
 watching an animation leads them to gain weight.
As a result
, the
children
 will become obese and will face plenty of severe
health
 conditions
such
 as heart disease and cholesterol.
Moreover
, ‘’sitting disease’’ caused by long hours of sitting in terrible positions on the couch or chairs playing
games
 leads to severe spin disorders.
Children
 experience backache and neckache before becoming teenagers because of their sedentary lifestyle. A recent study found that the number of
children
 under 10 who visit orthopaedic doctors is increasing significantly. In conclusion, in my opinion, the excessive time that
children
 spend on electronic devices
such
 as television and PS5 has
destructive
Add an article
a destructive
the destructive
show examples
 effect not only on their mental
health
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 on their physical
health
.
Submitted by Negar_seddigh on

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task achievement
Ensure all points made are fully supported with specific examples or evidence to increase clarity and conviction.
coherence cohesion
Enhance your logical structure by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Consider using more cohesive devices and connectives.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt directly and provides a clear stance on the topic, which is crucial for scoring well in Task Achievement.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay well with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which contributes positively to Coherence and Cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
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