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Writing Samples
Band 4

iIn many countries around the world, life expectancyis increasing. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this situation and give your own opinion.

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Life
Use synonyms
 expectancy has increased nowadays . I agree that the expectation of
life
Use synonyms
 has both advantages and disadvantages . Add to that
countries
Punctuation problem
, countries
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 have the same
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy as each other. Beyond that, it shows that
health
Use synonyms
 improvements are happening everywhere .
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the average number of years
people
Use synonyms
 live has noticeably expanded. There are a lot of factors that can benefit the economy from
people
Use synonyms
 who live longer
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 they boost the country's income and productivity.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 gain knowledge and skills from their own experience of
life
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.
Also
Linking Words
, they have a clear vision and plans for their future
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 they usually set their minds to work towards their dreams.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who live longer mostly live their lives without anxiety and fear of death.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 Europeans have
high
Correct article usage
a high
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life
Use synonyms
 expectancy
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 it
jumped
Verb problem
has jumped
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 to between 80
to
Correct word choice
and
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 85 years old !
On the other hand
Linking Words
, humans who live
short
Change preposition
for a short
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 duration
of time
Check wording
apply
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might have some sort of hard standards that prevent them from living longer.
In addition
Linking Words
, they might have some
health
Use synonyms
 problems and issues that could stop them from working hard.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a lot of living conditions are often tiring and stressful for many
people
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
,stress and anxiety cause mental
health
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 damage
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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that may necessitate emergency medical intervention.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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 is a major result of having Low vitamins, blood supplements, and sun exposure. In conclusion, I agree with the idea that
support
Verb problem
to support
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of
Change preposition
apply
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people
Use synonyms
's longevity ,
people
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 should focus more on their
health
Use synonyms
 and their lifestyle routine to provide a better environment and a healthier Earth .

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task response
Answer all parts of the task more directly. Talk about both good and bad sides of longer life, then give your opinion clearly.
task response
Make your main ideas clearer. Some ideas do not fully match the question, like people who live short lives.
task response
Use more clear and real examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some links are used, but a few feel sudden or not natural.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each point with a short reason and example before moving to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to discuss both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words like overall, moreover, on the other hand, and in conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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