IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing. In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
In recent years,
technology
Use synonyms
 has become increasingly used to monitor
people
Use synonyms
’s conversations and
activities
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 development improves public safety and security, it
also
Linking Words
 raises concerns about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
privacy and the misuse of information. From my perspective, the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 circumstance outweight disadvantages.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
technology
Use synonyms
 provides a safer environment for individuals in public spaces. In many areas
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as trains, shops or streets, cameras are installed to monitor
people
Use synonyms
's
activities
Use synonyms
. When a criminal activity occurs,
this
Linking Words
 camera provides clear evidence, which helps police investigate the situation and arrest offenders.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are afraid to engage in criminal
activities
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 feel safe and secure
Punctuation problem
, from
show examples
from the
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 crime is reduced.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
technology
Use synonyms
 enhances the quality of public services. In public transport, collected data helps the office analyse the number of passengers and arrange train or tram schedules to align with
people
Use synonyms
’s demand, especially during rush hour.
This
Linking Words
 development helps
people
Use synonyms
 feel more convenient and encourages them to rely on public services.
To sum up
Linking Words
. I believe that the advantages of
technology
Use synonyms
 used in monitoring
people
Use synonyms
's
activities
Use synonyms
 outweigh the disadvantages because it provides a safe environment for and enhance quality of public transport.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
For task response, answer both sides more clearly. You say safety is good and privacy is bad, but the bad side is very short. Add one clear point about privacy or data misuse, then explain why the good side is still stronger.
task response
For task response, develop each main idea more. Your ideas are relevant, but some parts are too general. For example, explain how misuse of data can hurt people, or how cameras stop crime in a real way.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make some sentences easier to follow. A few lines are unclear, such as 'people feel safe and secure from the crime is reduced.' Write one simple idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, use linking words with care. You use 'To begin with', 'Furthermore', and 'As a result', which is good, but some links do not fit the exact meaning. Check if the result in the next sentence is really a result.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, support the second body paragraph better. The point about public transport is interesting, but it feels less direct than the main question about monitoring what people say and do. Make the link to the topic more clear.
task response
For task response, you give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep the same view in the conclusion.
task response
For task response, your examples about cameras in public places and data in public transport are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you use paragraphing well, and most ideas stay in the right paragraph.
Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • monitor people
  • be unaware of
  • public safety
  • prevent crime
  • solve crimes
  • online activity
  • personal data
  • private life
  • lose privacy
  • data collection
  • facial recognition
  • security camera
  • track location
  • public place
  • without consent
  • freedom of speech
  • abuse of power
  • data leak
  • false information
  • make people feel unsafe
  • clear laws
  • strict rules
  • outweigh the benefits
  • a basic right
  • in the long run
What to do next:
Look at other essays: