IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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Globally, the
healthcare
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 sector has been improving significantly;
as a result
Linking Words
,
people
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’s life expectancy is longer than in the past. Some
people
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 argue that longer life expectancy negatively affects the government system,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that the eldery
people
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 contribute to
society
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 effectively. Senior citizens have great wisdom, which helps the younger generation to improve their knowledge;
However
Linking Words
, to look after the elderly, governments need a lot of
money
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 to maintain the
healthcare
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 sector. In spite of these drawbacks,
this
Linking Words
 essay will argue that the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages.
Firstly
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, if
people
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 live a long time, they have great knowledge and wisdom, which helps to improve the younger generation’s knowledge, which will definitely be helpful in improving
society
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, grandparents can look after their grandchildren so that parents can focus on their employment and do not have to pay daycare fees.
For example
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, research was conducted by Japanese scientists, who proved that if children grow up with their grandparents rather than day care, childrens’ brains will improve quickly.
Nevertheless
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,
although
Linking Words
 governments have many sectors, they spend the highest amount of
money
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 on the
healthcare
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 sector because the ageing
society
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 use goverment’s hospitals for their medicine more than in the past.
Consequently
Linking Words
, governments can face several economic problems,
such
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 as they do not have
money
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 to pay salaries for their employees.
For instance
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, the Sri Lankan government offers free
healthcare
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 services for older
people
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who do not have the
money
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 to buy their medicine. The World Bank released
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 new report, which showed that the main reason for the Sri Lankan economic crisis is free
healthcare
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. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 eldery can affect countries’ GDP negatively, they definitely help
society
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 and their family.
Therefore
Linking Words
, there are many benefits to the longer life span, and they outweigh the drawbacks.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear from the start. Say more directly that the good points are greater than the bad points.
task response
Add one more clear idea about why old people help society, and explain it a bit more.
task response
Your examples are useful, but some seem too general or not fully clear. Try to make each example more exact and easy to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your plan fast.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join too many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences for better flow.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words are used, but sometimes the connection is weak or repeated. Use simple links in a more natural way.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph stays mostly on one main idea.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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