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Writing Samples
Band 5

some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertainment and ecological important. Discuss both views

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There is no denying that people have different views about keeping
animals
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 in
zoos
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.
While
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 some argue that it is wrong to lock
animals
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 in cages, others believe that
zoos
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 play an important role in entertainment and conservation.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and present my opinion. On one hand, many people oppose
zoos
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 because they believe that keeping
animals
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 in captivity is immoral.
In other words
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, it can negatively affect
animals
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’ natural behaviour.
In addition
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,
animals
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 may lose their physical strength and hunting skills
due to
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 limited space.
For example
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,
animals
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 raised in captivity may lose their survival instincts.
On the other hand
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,
zoos
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 can attract tourists and contribute to the economy. In some countries,
zoos
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 are considered a normal and acceptable form of entertainment.
Moreover
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, governments invest in
zoos
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 as they provide a stable source of income.
For instance
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, countries like South Africa benefit from wildlife tourism. In conclusion,
although
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zoos
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 have economic and entertainment benefits, I believe that keeping
animals
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 in captivity is unethical as it deprives them of their natural way of life.

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task response
Make your view more clear in the middle, not only in the end.
task response
Add a little more detail to each main idea.
task response
Use stronger examples that fit zoos, not tourism in general.
coherence and cohesion
Link the idea about South Africa more clearly to zoos.
coherence and cohesion
Use one more sentence to explain each main point.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are clear, but the support is a bit short.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic.
task response
Your opinion is clear in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple linking words well, like while, on one hand, and moreover.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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