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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with their families, while others believe that this is unnecessary or even negative. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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The
children
Use synonyms
 have the right to choose with
who
Correct pronoun usage
whom
show examples
 they spend their
time
Use synonyms
. The question is, some people believe the
children
Use synonyms
 should spend all their
time
Use synonyms
 with their parents
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 others believe it is not necessary. In my opinion, I believe the
children
Use synonyms
 should spend some
time
Use synonyms
 with their family and some
time
Use synonyms
 with their friends. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to discuss both views and give my opinion. First of all.
there
Fix capitalization
There
show examples
 are many families who want their
children
Use synonyms
 to be with them all the
time
Use synonyms
 because they really care about them
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
moreover
Linking Words
, some families attend classes with their
children
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
These kinds
show examples
 of people usually worry if their kids meet people with bad
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, my sister has two kids
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 she has never left them
even
Punctuation problem
, even
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 when she goes to work, she always takes them with her.
and sometimes
Correct word choice
Sometimes
show examples
 she does not go to her work because
her
Change preposition
of her
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, there are many families who believe their
children
Use synonyms
 should spend
time
Use synonyms
 with their
Use synonyms
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 and give them
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
space because they think the parents can not teach everything to the kids,
as a result
Linking Words
, there are many
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 they have to learn from their friends and school.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they believe any kid needs the privacy to talk with
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 girlfriend or
friend
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, when I was a child, I used to spend
times
Check wording
time
show examples
 with my
friend
Use synonyms
 because my parents provided me a space and they
respect
Wrong verb form
respected
show examples
 my privacy. I have learnt many things from my
friend
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 I
prepared
Verb problem
have prepared
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well my personality
Correct word order
my personality well
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. In conclusion, I would argue that the
children
Use synonyms
 need their space and privacy
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
, they should not spend all their
time
Use synonyms
 with their family because the family can not teach the
kid
Check wording
kids
show examples
 everything
, there
Punctuation problem
. There
show examples
 are many
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 that they have to learn from their friends.
and
Fix capitalization
And
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 they need to prepare well before they get
man
Correct article usage
a man
show examples
 or
women
Fix the agreement mistake
woman
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Write a little more about why some people want children with family all the time, and why others do not.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in every part. Your opinion is in the intro and end, but it can be stronger in the middle too.
task response
Use examples that are clear and direct. Your examples are good, but explain more how they support your idea.
coherence and cohesion
Put ideas together with better linking words. Some parts stop too suddenly, like 'First of all.' Try smoother links such as 'Firstly', 'On the other hand', and 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph order and sentence flow. Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph, then add one or two supporting points.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
task response
You used personal examples, and this helps your ideas feel real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic paragraph structure, which is good.
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