IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that students should be taught practical skills such as cooking, budgeting, and basic repairs at school. Others believe that schools should focus only on academic subjects.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
Some individuals assume that
students
Use synonyms
 should learn practical
skills
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as cooking, budgeting, and basic repairs at school, whilst others consider that schools should focus only on academic subjects. I firmly disagree with the notion that
students
Use synonyms
 should be taught practical
skills
Use synonyms
 because it could overload them with too much information and reduce
overall
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
quality
Use synonyms
. One of the most persuasive arguments in favour of
this
Linking Words
 view is that extra practical
skills
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as cooking and
budgeting
Punctuation problem
budgeting,
show examples
 could overload
students
Use synonyms
 with too much information.
This
Linking Words
 is primarily rooted in the observation that school curriculum design
increasingly
Verb problem
is increasingly
show examples
 combined with practical
skills
Use synonyms
, which can reduce student attention span. Put more precisely, not only does it increase stress levels, but it
also
Linking Words
 weakens knowledge retention ability. A longitudinal study by researchers at UNESCO illustrates that 80
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of pupils cannot cope with
such
Linking Words
 a workload and eventually burn out. A
further
Linking Words
 dimension of
this
Linking Words
 issue lies in the fact that these extra practical
skills
Use synonyms
 can reduce
overall
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
quality
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon is largely explained by the fact that the rapid growth of practical
skills
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
which create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 excessive extra pressure, thereby decreasing the
Use synonyms
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 engagement level. As a direct consequence of
this
Linking Words
, not only level of performences declined, but
level
Correct article usage
the level
show examples
 of engagement
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
 decreased. Real-world evidence reinforces
this
Linking Words
 notion that 65
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of educational institutions have seen a decline in the
quality
Use synonyms
 of
education
Use synonyms
 following the introduction of additional subjects.
To conclude
Linking Words
, some people argue that schools should teach
students
Use synonyms
 practical
skills
Use synonyms
 like cooking, managing money, and basic household repairs,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
education
Use synonyms
 should focus solely on academic subjects. I firmly disagree with the notion that
students
Use synonyms
 should be taught practical
skills
Use synonyms
 because it could overload them with too much information and reduce
overall
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
quality
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both sides more clearly. You show your view well, but you should also explain why some people want practical skills at school.
task response
Give more clear and real support for each main idea. Your examples use big number claims, but they do not feel fully clear or strong.
task response
Develop your ideas more deeply. Some points repeat the same idea about stress and lower quality.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good. Try to link ideas in a more natural way and avoid repeating the same sentence pattern.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each body paragraph has one main idea and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence flow. Some lines are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice problems.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep it through the essay.
task response
You cover the main topic and write about school, practical skills, and academic subjects.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphing with an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'One of the most persuasive arguments', 'A further dimension', and 'To conclude'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: