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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some countries require that physical education be part of a school’s curriculum. Some people believe that promoting physical exercise is necessary, while others think that time in school should be used to focus on academic subjects. Explain your opinion, using specific reasons and examples.

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In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, the idea of requiring that physical
education
Use synonyms
 be part of a school’s curriculum has been widely discussed for an extended period of time.
While
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 some people claim that promoting physical exercise is necessary, others argue that time in school should be used to focus on academic subjects. My own stance on the matter is that physical
education
Use synonyms
 should be part of
school’s
Correct article usage
the school’s
show examples
 curriculum because it helps
students
Use synonyms
 feel motivated and relaxed to study and achieve their goals. One of the most compelling arguments in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of implementing physical
education
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 schools is that
students
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 feel less stress and more motivation to study. As highlighted in a recent article published by David Brooks in The New York Times, promoting physical
education
Use synonyms
 is crucial for
students
Use synonyms
’ development, which allows them to achieve their accomplishments. One major example of
this
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 is that after a morning of exercising,
students
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 are more energetic and relaxed to start
to study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 their academic subjects.
Therefore
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,
this
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 evidence clearly suggests that physical
education
Use synonyms
 is crucial for
students
Use synonyms
’ mental well-being.
Moreover
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, it should be acknowledged that physical
education
Use synonyms
also
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 plays a crucial role in
students
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’ performance, citing its positive impacts on achieving better grades and
reaching
Verb problem
receiving
show examples
 a scholarship as its primary justifications.
As a result
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, not only can
students
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 get rid of stress, but
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also they
Correct word order
they also
show examples
 have the opportunity to have a healthy life.
This
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 largely stems from the fact that
students
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 feel more
confidence
Replace the word
confident
 and have
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
attitude
Correct word choice
positive attitude
show examples
 after exercising. Taking everything into account, it is worthwhile to assert that it is important that physical
education
Use synonyms
 be part of schools’ curriculum.
Consequently
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, it is reasonable
to conclude
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 that
this
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 contributes to
students
Use synonyms
’ performance.
Accordingly
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, I’m convinced that including
this
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 will be beneficial for
students
Use synonyms
 and schools.
This
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 is one perspective that more people ought to consider. Ultimately,
this
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 issue comes down to individual beliefs and all that it entails.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You say your view well, but the other side is not explained enough.
task response
Give more clear and real examples. The article example feels general and not fully explained.
task response
Develop your main ideas more. Some points are repeated, like stress, motivation, and better study.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some words like 'consequently' and 'accordingly' sound too heavy and do not add new meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph have one main idea and explain it step by step.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction.
task response
You stay on the topic all through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphs, and the reader can follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You include both an introduction and a conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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