IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays shopping has become a new favorite pastime for young people. What are the reasons for this? should they be encouraged to develop other hobbies?

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In today's current world, the youths has turned shopping their way and means of passing
time
Correct article usage
the time
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.
This
Linking Words
 helps in making them forget their worries or burden. I strongly believe that the younger generation needs to be pushed to take on extra interests so as not to grow
on
Change preposition
up with
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 just one hobby. I
also
Linking Words
 agree that they should venture into swimming. One main reason for
this
Linking Words
 view is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 leisure activities like swimming, running, and drawing can help clear the mind. These activities
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
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 when an individual is overwhelmed and is trying to take their
minds
Check wording
mind
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 off any negativity they might have experienced.
For instance
Linking Words
, swimming comforts the mind and soul, relieves
tenseness
Replace the word
tension
 in
human
Check wording
humans
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, and
also
Linking Words
 makes people focus on the present rather than what has happened in the past.
Secondly
Linking Words
, diversions like singing can make them let go of their worries and still bring
money
Change preposition
in money
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by
Change preposition
on
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 the side. Some artists
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 example, use songs to clear off negativity
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 in that
aspects
Fix the agreement mistake
aspect
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, they make gains from it by producing the music or by performing live in places like malls or schools.
In other words
Linking Words
, so many artiste started with music being their hiding place, and they are cashing out big money from it. Doing
this
Linking Words
 actually helps to pass
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 for our youths
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it in turn adds positivity to their life.
However
Linking Words
, people argue that shopping helps them relive moments, soothe their
soul
Fix the agreement mistake
souls
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, and
also
Linking Words
 makes them forget they are in trouble. Both can go hand in hand without casting one aside. But, I'm of the opinion that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 interests in other hobbies can make you happy, generate income, secure your future and still pass
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. Give clear reasons why young people like shopping, then say clearly if other hobbies should be encouraged.
task response
Your main ideas are understandable, but some parts move away from shopping and focus too much on swimming and singing.
task response
Use examples that match the question more closely. For example, talk about malls, online shopping, friends, ads, or stress.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph have one clear main idea. Then explain it and add one simple example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a clear way: First, Also, However, In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice. Shorter sentences will help your ideas connect better.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a conclusion, so your essay has a full shape.
task response
You give your opinion clearly that young people should try other hobbies too.
task response
You include examples such as swimming and singing to support your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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