IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe that children should spend less time using smartphones and more time doing outdoor activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Childhood
Correct article usage
The childhood
show examples
 period plays a crucial role to give a shape to make better future. Some individuals
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 should spend less
time
Use synonyms
 using mobile phone which affects on psychologically and
mentally
Check wording
mental health,
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 they should spend
time
Use synonyms
to play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 contributes to
physically fit
Replace the word
physical fitness
,
active
Replace the word
activity
, and
socialize
Replace the word
socialisation
. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement,
younger
Check wording
young people
show examples
 should spend their
time
Use synonyms
 on outdoor games rather than prefer
mobilephone
Correct your spelling
mobile phones
. On the one hand, juveniles spend extended
time
Use synonyms
to use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 smartphones, and do
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 physical
activities
Use synonyms
. To clarify,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
using
Wrong verb form
uses
show examples
 social media and
playing
Wrong verb form
plays
show examples
 online games
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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engage to them
Correct word order
keeps them engaged
show examples
 for long hours.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they adopt
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 significantly
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 health issues
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, heart problems
due to
Linking Words
 lack of physical
activities
Use synonyms
, exercise, and outdoor sports.
For example
Linking Words
, in India
Correct word order
, a survey conducted last year found
show examples
last
Linking Words
 year survey conduct that
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
were died
Correct subject-verb agreement
was dying
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 heart attack and studies
clear
Wrong verb form
have shown
show examples
 that most teenagers
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 less
active
Punctuation problem
active,
show examples
 they spend
time
Use synonyms
indoor
Replace the word
indoors
 and
use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 mobile phones.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
excessively uses
Replace the word
excessive use
 of phones
,
Verb problem
causes
show examples
children
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
to become
show examples
 less socialize
therefore
Linking Words
 act as
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
introverted
child
Check wording
children
show examples
 in society. Because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they are less confident
to communicate
Change preposition
in communicating
show examples
 with others
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
face to face
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
 communication.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
beneficial
Verb problem
are beneficial
show examples
 for
stayed
Wrong verb form
staying
show examples
 healthy and active.
Children
Use synonyms
 can escape from health issues and show more energy to do other works as
study
Replace the word
studying
 and household chores. They do not feel laziness entire
of the
Change preposition
apply
show examples
day if they spend
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 teach them team spirit and
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 gives advantages in future when they do
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 or business.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 smartphones entertain
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 and provide educational videos.
However
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 effects on outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 leads to
rise
Correct article usage
a rise
show examples
health
Change preposition
in health
show examples
 issues and less
confident
Replace the word
confidence
 in public. Outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 boost confidence and give healthy lifestyle.

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task response
Answer the question more directly in each body part. Show why you agree, not only list bad points of phones and good points of outdoor play.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas at the start of each paragraph. This helps the reader follow your point easily.
task response
Add one or two simple and real examples. Your India example is not clear and needs better wording.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, for example, and as a result. Some parts jump too fast.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain how outdoor play helps social skills and health with one extra sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one idea in one sentence when possible. Some sentences are too long and hard to follow.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and you keep the same view to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You include relevant ideas about health, social life, and teamwork.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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