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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays, technology has been growing rapidly;
as a result
Linking Words
, the
smartphone
Use synonyms
 is an essential device for people.
Therefore
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, some young people use smartphones
as
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in
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 their daily routines.
Although
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 using a
smartphone
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 has enormous benefits, I believe that it can reduce people’s mental health, which is an important part of educational performance.
In addition
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, overuse of smartphones negatively affects
children’s
Use synonyms
 physical abilities. Nowadays, when children want to play a game, they can play with their mobile phones, so youngsters do not play sports
than
Rephrase
as much as
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 in the past.
Consequently
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, the
children’s
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 physical strength gradually decreased;
thus
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, they face many dangerous diseases.
For instance
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, Japanese scientists, who focus on the
childeren’s
Correct your spelling
children’s
smartphone
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 usage, have identified a special thing that overuse of smartphones can increase people’s heart problem rate.
Moreover
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, the social media usage has been increasing rapidly, so young people use many social media platforms
such
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 as YouTube, Facebook and Instagram, which can increase
children’s
Use synonyms
 stress level because those platforms have a variety of content. If children have stress, it will completely affect their academic performance.
For example
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, I met a university student who
significantly
Verb problem
was significantly
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 addicted
Facebook
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to Facebook
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.
While
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 he was studying, he never focused on his studies;
as a result
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, many cources are repeated by him, so he suffered from mental illness. In conclusion, nowadays, even though the smarphone can help
our
Change preposition
with our
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 daily work, children spend a lot of time without doing their essential work;
hence
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, it can reduce their physical and mental health, which can decrease
children’s
Use synonyms
 brain performance.
Therefore
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, we should manage
children’s
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smartphone
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 usage because it will help their
improvement
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development
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both questions more directly. Say clearly why children use phones so much, and why this is mostly negative.
task response
Give one or two clear reasons in each body part, and explain each reason more fully.
task response
Use examples that are clear and easy to believe. Your example about one student is a bit weak for a whole essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make your ideas link in a smoother way. Some lines jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea, then add support.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some words are used too often, and some do not fit well.
task response
You gave a clear opinion that phone overuse is negative.
task response
You covered both physical health and mental health, so your ideas are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay on one main point.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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