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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. Do the advantages of this practice outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays, many parents encourage their
children
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 to
work
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 part-
time
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 during their spare
time
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.
Although
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this
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 practice may have certain drawbacks,
such
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 as reducing
children
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’s study
time
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, I believe that the advantages are far greater. One major benefit of
children
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 having part-
time
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jobs
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 is that they can become more independent. By earning money from an early age, young people may develop a better understanding of the effort required to earn a living, which can make them less dependent on their parents.
Furthermore
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, part-
time
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jobs
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 can teach teenagers how to manage their finances responsibly.
For instance
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, students with part-
time
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jobs
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 may learn how to budget their income and spend money more carefully.
As a result
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, they may become more financially responsible and better prepared for adulthood in the future. Despite these benefits, part-
time
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jobs
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 may
also
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 have several negative effects on
children
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. One possible disadvantage is that working long hours may reduce students’ study
time
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. Teenagers who spend too much
time
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 working may become physically tired and find it difficult to concentrate on schoolwork.
Consequently
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, balancing
work
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 and academic responsibilities can become stressful for some students.
For example
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, students who
work
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 long hours after school may have less
time
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 to revise lessons and complete homework effectively, which could gradually affect their academic performance.
However
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,
this
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 issue can be minimised if
children
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 only
work
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 limited hours and prioritise their education. In conclusion,
although
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 part-
time
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jobs
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 may reduce
children
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’s study
time
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, they can help young people become more independent and financially responsible.
Therefore
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, I believe that the advantages of
this
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 practice outweigh the disadvantages.

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task response
For task response, your answer is clear and you give both sides, but you can add one more strong idea for why work is good or bad.
task response
For task response, your examples are good, but they are a bit general. Use one more real and clear example to make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay is easy to follow and your ideas move in a clear way. To make it better, vary linking words a little more.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, each main part has one clear topic, which is good. You can make one sentence connect the two body parts more smoothly.
task response
For task response, you answer the question well and give a clear opinion from start to end.
task response
For task response, your main ideas are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear opening, body, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your paragraphs are well organised and easy to read.
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