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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Avertising brings many benefits to the economy, but it also makes people dissatisfied with what they already have. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

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In the present world, advertising has both advantages and disadvantages for econony. A group of individuals argue that advertising contributes to develop financial system.
On the contrary
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, others believe that it
also
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 makes them dissatisfied with what they already have.
Therefore
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, ahead of my
opinion
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, both views will be discussed
further
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. Examining the former
opinion
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, the primary would put forward that advertising has an increasingly important role in contemporary economies.
This
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 attributes the fact that businesses atract costumers and increase sales.
Furthermore
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, advertising promotes their
products
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 effectively, which generates more revenue.
Besides
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 that , expansion and job creation opportunities.
This
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 leads to contributing to economic growth and employment.
Furthermore
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, corporations are forced to improve their
products
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, prices, and services in order to stand out in the market. To illustrate,
this
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 competition can ultimately benefit consumers through better quality and greater choice.
On the contrary
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, those in favour of the latter
opinion
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,
Verb problem
argue that
show examples
 advertising can negatively affect people's attitudes and behaviours.
This
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 attributes the fact that it creates dissatisfaction with existing possessions. To illustrate, advertising present idealized lifestyles, luxury
products
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 and unrealistic standards of success.
This
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 caused individuals to feel inadequate or unhappy with what they already own.
Moreover
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, advertising encourages excessive consumerism. Many people purchase
products
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 not because they truly need them, but because they are influenced by persuasive marketing campaigns or social pressure.
As a result
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, financial stress and unnecessary waste. In conclusion, advertising provide atract costumers and increases sales,
while
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 it generates dissatisfaction with possessions. I firmly believe that both benefit and drawbacks of advertising, but I lean toward the former
opinion
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about both views, but your own view is a bit short. Say clearly why you agree more with one side.
task response
Give one clear example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger and easier to trust.
coherence cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one simple plan: main idea, reason, example, result.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words in a careful way. Some are good, but too many can sound forced. Try simple links like 'first', 'also', 'for example', 'as a result'.
coherence cohesion
Check sentence meaning. A few lines are not complete, so the reader must guess your idea.
task response
You answered both parts of the task and gave your opinion in the end.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You use topic sentences to show the main idea of each paragraph.
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