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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below gives information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009.

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The table compares the information about the percentage of
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
 employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009 , with units measured in percentage .From an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective ,Health care ,Construction , Education and Tourism experienced an upward trend ,
while
Linking Words
 Manufacturing and Retail declined .Notably ,Health care
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
which surpassed Manufacturing thereby emerging as the dominant figure in
this
Linking Words
 category by the
ending
Replace the word
end
 of the
period
Use synonyms
 . In 1989 , around 15% people worked in Manufacturing
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
 ,
decreased
Correct pronoun usage
this decreased
show examples
Change preposition
to
show examples
about 9.8%
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
 . From
this
Linking Words
 point onward, Retail started at around 11.8% in 1989
Linking Words
nevertheless
Punctuation problem
; nevertheless
show examples
,
dropped
Correct pronoun usage
it dropped
show examples
 until 10.1% at end of the
period
Use synonyms
 .
By contrast
Linking Words
, Health care stood at 9.8% in 1989 before rising to 11.3%
making
Punctuation problem
, making
show examples
 it the highest figure on the table in 2009. Meanwhile , Construction showed slower growth from 7.6 % in 1989 to 8.3% in 2009. Education began at 6.8% increased until 7.5% in 2009 .
Whereas
Linking Words
, Tourism started axxproximetaly 5.5% in 1989 and increased
around
Change preposition
to around
show examples
 7.3%
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
 .

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 80%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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