Today digital technology allows people to share all aspects of their lives on social media. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In
this
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generation
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generation,
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where practically everything revolves around technology, the majority of
people
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from around the world have full access to it. Surely, posting anything about their
life’s
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life
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journeys is quite prevalent. I will be exploring and sharing my opinion on
this
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. Admittedly, having absolute strangers know about your personal information that should not be known through screens is petrifying. Citizens are not aware enough of the consequences of
this
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action. They keep updating their lives without thinking about terrible things that could happen,
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, uploading pictures of children in their possession; they might be seen by mentally dangerous
people
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, especially pedophiles.
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, always updating yourselves or being on social media platforms too often makes
people
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compare themselves to others.
This
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can possibly cause low self-esteem, stress, depression, and pressure to look flawless
instead
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of being real.
Although
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it has a lot of disadvantages, fortunately, there are
also
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some good sides if it is used appropriately and with knowledge. They are able to keep invaluable and unforgettable events of their lives as memories or stay in touch with their friends and families. Other than what has been stated previously, it is one of the methods to keep themselves entertained,
such
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as looking up
people
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whom they admire, famous restaurants they want to visit, daily outfit inspiration, dramas, or even daily news, based on one’s preference. In conclusion, it has both benefits and drawbacks. In my opinion, even if it provides us with a great amount of advantages, the negative effects are stronger and cannot be ignored at all.

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task response
Make your main view more clear at the start. You say your view at the end, but the reader should know it early too.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your bad side. The child photo example is good, but one more real and direct example would help.
task response
Explain why the good side is weaker than the bad side in more detail. This will make your answer more complete.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, like 'Additionally' and 'In conclusion'. Try to use a few more simple links like 'First', 'Also', and 'For example' to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and a bit hard to follow. Make them shorter so each idea is easy to read.
task response
You answer both sides and give your own view in the end.
task response
You include a relevant example about children and online danger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main focus, so the reader can follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • privacy
  • personal information
  • share online
  • daily life
  • social media platform
  • stay in touch
  • keep in contact
  • mental health
  • self-esteem
  • compare with others
  • feel pressure
  • look perfect
  • real life
  • safety risk
  • online danger
  • family life
  • private moments
  • negative development
  • positive side
  • long-term effect
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