IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In today's world many people own a smartphone. Do ou think the advantage of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
In the present
times
Add a comma
times,
show examples
 our community tend to own a
smartphone
Use synonyms
. I believe that the advantage of owning a
smartphone
Use synonyms
 does not really override the
disadavantage
Correct your spelling
disadvantage
. At least three reasons I would like to write down, having an advanced mobile phone surely
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 us a lot
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it
declines
Verb problem
compromises
show examples
 our survival mode as
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
. Not only that, when everything becomes
easy
Punctuation problem
easy,
show examples
 we
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
as
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
also
Linking Words
 become
easy
Punctuation problem
easy,
show examples
 we become more fragile and weak and
last
Linking Words
 but not least
having
Punctuation problem
, having
show examples
 a
smartphone
Use synonyms
 gets us more confused. First of all, everything becomes cheap and easy, we can do everything on our
hand
Check wording
hands
show examples
, we become lazy to think, lazy to move because apparently we can just pay a machine or other people to do it for us. It costs us our survival
mode
Check wording
apply
show examples
in the world. We depend
ourselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
on someone else or something else. We should be able to defend ourselves to solve our own problem
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 now our smartphones
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 it to us
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 we do not need to lay a hand on it.
Then
Linking Words
, we become fragile. Our brain
rotten
Correct subject-verb agreement
rots
show examples
, because we do not use
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it anymore. We used to getting
helped by
Replace the word
help from
 our phone, it
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
indeed gives us an easy life
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 when things get
complicated
Punctuation problem
complicated,
show examples
 we do not solve
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
 ourselves anymore, we ask our mobile to solve
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
 for us.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, our
smartphone
Use synonyms
 helps us to be lazier, our orientation changes. We should believe in process and procedures
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 since we got our
Use synonyms
smartphone
Punctuation problem
smartphone,
show examples
 we just want something instant, something that
quickly
Verb problem
is quickly
show examples
 done. It gets us lazier.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I do not think that the benefit of owning a
smartphone
Use synonyms
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
show examples
 the disadvantages. In some
situations
Punctuation problem
situations,
show examples
 it works
otherwise
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 it gives us more disadvantages than the benefits.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more fully. You say your view, but you need to explain more why the bad points are stronger than the good points.
task response
Add one short good point about smartphones, then show clearly why the bad points are still stronger. This will make your answer more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph should have one main point, then explain it well.
task response
Give simple real examples. For example, say how phones help with maps or calls, then explain how too much use can make people less active.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with words like First, Also, However, For example, and Therefore.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, like lazy, weak, and fragile. Try to make each point different and clear.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep the same view to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic structure: introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple linking words like First of all, Then, and Last but not least.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: