write a letter to your manager to request setting up cafeteria for staffs. how you feel about it what you heard about inconvenience what suggestion you can give

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Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to request you about my suggestion of setting up a cafeteria in our office. First of all, my coworkers and I are looking forward to using that cafeteria in the future during working hours since we heard about it.
Secondly
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, I have heard from my coworkers that they always buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks before they arrive at the office.
In addition
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, I have often felt sleepy
while
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I worked, so I had to make coffee or buy caffeine at the vending machine.
Thus
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, we have been suffering from some problems at the office.
Lastly
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, we
have hoped
Wrong verb form
hope
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that the cafeteria will be constructed as soon as possible.
Moreover
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, I would like you to suggest offering some drinks for staff until the cafe is completely built. I would appreciate it if you could take some action for us and reply to my message as soon as you can Yours sincerely, Kazuya Nakagawa

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task response
For task response: answer each point in a more clear way. Say how you feel, what problems staff have, and what you want the manager to do with more direct detail.
task response
For task response: use a more natural work tone. Instead of 'request you about my suggestion', say 'I am writing to suggest that the office set up a cafeteria for staff.'
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: make your ideas link in a simpler way. Some parts are hard to follow, like hearing about the cafeteria and also asking for it.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: keep one main idea in each part. For example, one part for your feeling, one part for staff problems, and one part for your suggestions.
task response
For task response: you covered all three points in the task.
task response
For task response: the letter has a polite ending and clear purpose.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: the letter has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: you used simple link words like 'First of all', 'Secondly', and 'Lastly'.
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