IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compred with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweight the disadvantages.

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Nowadays, the
number
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 of young
adults
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 is more than the
number
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 of the older
population
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.
This
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 essay will disuss the both views of
this
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 situation. The advantages of having a younger
population
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 compared to elder
population
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 are that the country keeps up with the changes. Technology has a big impact on our lives , and with younger
adults
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, countries adapt more easily. The other advantage is that
young
Correct article usage
the young
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community
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 are more creative
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then
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than
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 the older
community
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. Young
adults
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 often produce great artworks like music, art , etc. In Turkey, the
number
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 of the young
population
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 is more
then
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 old
population
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 , and
this
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 helps the country to keep up with the developments. Turkey has many young, talented artists. Despite the advantages,
older
Correct article usage
the older
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community
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 are the mind of the country. They are often more educated. And Education is the key. Older people are the history book of the
community
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. They keep the informations and they share it with their childeren that's how we keep up with history. They are the teachers. For the
development
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development,
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 we need
older
Correct article usage
an older
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community
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. They help us to not forget our culture. In Japan, the quantity of old people is more than the young
population
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 , and Japan has never lost its culture, history and unique traditions. Younger
adults
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 learn about their traditions from their parents
,
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and
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 grandparents. In conclusion,
although
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 both have their advantages , the research shows that developed
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community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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 have more older people than young
adults
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 , and it shows that increasing the
number
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 of young
adults
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 is not something good. Countries should have a plan for their
community
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.

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly. You talk about both sides, but you need to say more clearly if the good points are stronger than the bad points.
task response
Give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep it the same in the whole essay.
task response
Explain your ideas more. Some points are good, but they need more support and detail.
task response
Use examples carefully. Your examples from Turkey and Japan are helpful, but they need a clearer link to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear paragraph plan, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some sentences do not connect smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. A few ideas feel sudden, so the reader must work harder to follow them.
coherence and cohesion
You wrote an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You included examples, which helps your ideas.
task response
You discussed both the good side and the bad side.
coherence and cohesion
The main topic stays the same through the essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic shift
  • workforce
  • economic growth
  • innovation
  • social evolution
  • curricula
  • health care costs
  • pension systems
  • mentorship
  • generational imbalance
  • unemployment
  • job markets
  • tax burden
  • adoption
  • development
What to do next:
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