IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some parents allow their children to play on electronic devices such as computers and smartphones as they think it is important for the learning of technological skills. Other parents prohibit their children from using these electronic devices. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
Those who think that using smart aids is harmful and the risk is higher than the benefits, on the grounds that they will be connected to the internet and a higher chances become case of child abuse on the internet ,
such
Linking Words
 as hundreds of cases in the UK happen annually.
However
Linking Words
, other individuals look
further
Linking Words
 to prepare their children for future study life and the work market
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 require IT background and multi softwares to use in the work field. Using technology materails help to develop a range of logical thinking and problem solving will benefcial for the post-life after
school
Use synonyms
.
As
Change preposition
For
show examples
 example, the most successful members in the work environment were IT skilled childern in
school
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
 ,
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
 government put in their education system plan mandatory IT course in early age
Check wording
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 study . I completely agree with the supporter that technology should be taught in the early stages of students'
school
Use synonyms
 time , because help them to gain useful soft and practical skills , which help them in
further
Linking Words
 education and the job market . In conclusion , I would argue smartphones and computers are significant aids that help th children to be ready for the workable life after
school
Use synonyms
 and develop logical thinking

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Write a clear intro with both sides and your view.
task response
Explain each main idea more with one simple reason.
task response
Use real and clear examples. Some examples now are not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make one paragraph for one main point only.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with easy words like however, also, because, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one.
task response
You gave both views and your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You have a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a basic paragraph order.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: