IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Teenagers in some nations work at jobs while they are still in school. Do you think it is a good idea for students to have jobs ? Use specific examples and reasons to explain your answer

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
Analytically speaking, in
this
Linking Words
 rapidly evolving world, youngsters or young learners may often
regarded
Verb problem
be regarded
show examples
 as the future of a nation. In the given context, it is stated that adolescents
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a country continue
start working
Wrong verb form
to work
show examples
along with
Linking Words
 their
studies
Use synonyms
. Whether working at
this
Linking Words
 age is beneficial for them or
no
Rephrase
not
show examples
.
we
Fix capitalization
We
show examples
 will
disciss
Correct your spelling
discuss
 both perspectives and present a conclusion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, juvenile minds who are still attending schools for basic
studies
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can't be
cosidered
Correct your spelling
considered
 as going to
work
Use synonyms
 in their free time.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 learning and growing
age
Change preposition
up
show examples
, parents should encourage free time as comfort time.
For instance
Linking Words
, young learners should
merely
Verb problem
be
show examples
 determined
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
studies
Use synonyms
. Coping with the extra burdens of
work
Use synonyms
 is an uphill task for them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many times some
illetrate famiies
Correct your spelling
illiterate families
 think that children should start learning a skill
since
Change preposition
at a
show examples
 young age.
According to
Linking Words
 their bent of mind, education has no significance in making their bread and butter.
For example
Linking Words
, if a father is a carpenter or a
builder
Punctuation problem
builder,
show examples
 he will
upbring
Correct your spelling
bring up
 his children following the same profession and take them to
work
Use synonyms
 to learn and master the same skill. Because affording expensive
studies
Use synonyms
 is impossible for them infact they start earning even a little from
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
ages
Check wording
age
show examples
. The trend goes on
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 a progressive mind
born
Verb problem
is born
show examples
 who is determined to alter the fates.
Conversely
Linking Words
, some young people are predestined to go to
work
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 several issues
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 poor
families
Check wording
families'
show examples
 stigmas or financial pressures
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 make them go to
work
Use synonyms
 and help in a
livlihood
Correct your spelling
livelihood
. There are
invetably
Correct your spelling
inevitably
 some shortcomings in their personalities. Certain flaws are always present
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 hinder their growth. In the culmination of
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 discussion, we may
assret
Correct your spelling
assert
 that providing education, primarily at young ages without any
barriers
Punctuation problem
barriers,
show examples
 is a crucial and foremost responsibility of parents as guardians. It is evident that education is a vital key to success.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly if student jobs are good or not good, and keep this view all through the essay.
task response
Give more clear main ideas. Some parts talk about poor families, but the essay does not fully explain if this makes student jobs good or bad.
task response
Use examples that fit the question better. For example, show one case where a school student works part time and how it affects study.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main point only. This will help the essay feel more easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple way. Use words like first, also, however, and in conclusion in the right places.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because some lines are hard to understand. Clear sentences improve flow.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion, which gives it a full essay shape.
task response
You try to discuss more than one side of the issue, which helps show ideas.
task response
You use one family example, and this helps support your point.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: