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Writing Samples
Band 5

These days people prefer to watch live performances (shows, concerts) through tv or computer, online rather than go to the place of that event. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Currently,
people
Use synonyms
 choose to watch performances
such
Linking Words
 as shows,
concerts
Use synonyms
 on the Tv or social media rather than go to the place of that gathering. From my perspective, I agree with
this
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 statement, as it is better to watch various gatherings online. On the one hand, at the
last
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 moment, some
people
Use synonyms
 don't want to go to the event, celebration or
concerts
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. Because in
this
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 world, the price of concert tickets increased to 30% that's why it is very expensive for most nations. Many residents earn low salaries and cannot afford to buy tickets.
For instance
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, the average ticket price is 25$
thus
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 for most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
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is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
 not affordable. Another reason could be that some
people
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 don't like being in crowded places where a large audience
and
Verb problem
is present, and
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
condition
Punctuation problem
condition,
show examples
 they feel uncomfortable.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 choose to watch online as viewing is free, and it is nice to watch online with family or close friends.
Moreover
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, social media has different types of films,
concerts
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 and shows.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, few
people
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 like to go to places and watch various events as they feel emotions and enjoy from
this
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 situations.
In addition
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, lovers or friends want to spend a lot of time together and have a memorable time, so they want to have a good time by going to the movies together, or going to a concert of their favourite artist.
For example
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, these days most
people
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 who go to
concerts
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 or the cinema are adults who are 20-25.
Thus
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 ,
until these days
Change preposition
to this day
show examples
, there are
people
Use synonyms
 who participate in
concerts
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. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to watch online rather than go to the place of that event because they want a peaceful and tranquil environment, some
people
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 go to the place to watch shows
such
Linking Words
 as films or
concerts
Use synonyms
 , so they want to see the original situation and feel the vibrant environment.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it depends on
people
Use synonyms
's preferences.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear from the start. You say you agree, but the end says it depends. Choose one clear side and keep it all through the essay.
task response
Add ideas that explain why online watching is more common now. For example, talk more about comfort, low cost, and easy access.
task response
Use examples that are more exact and natural. Some numbers look not fully clear, so they do not help much.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body paragraph. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way. Words like on the one hand, on the other hand, for example, and therefore are good, but some sentences still feel too long or not well joined.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence clearly connects to the one before it. A few parts repeat the same point or move too fast to a new point.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear essay shape with introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
task response
You give more than one reason for online watching, such as cost and comfort.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • live performance
  • streaming
  • mobility issues
  • busy schedules
  • substantially cheaper
  • broadens cultural horizons
  • customize their environment
  • electric atmosphere
  • social interaction
  • technical issues
  • immersive experience
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