IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Example: Men and women are capable of doing all jobs equally well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Over the
last
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 50 years, much progress has been made in terms of gender equality in the workplace.
However
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, I still believe that there are genetic differences between
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 that prevent them from performing all jobs at the same level.
Firstly
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, there are vast differences in the physical capabilities of the sexes.
Although
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 it
undoubtedly
Verb problem
is undoubtedly
show examples
 true
there
Correct word choice
that there
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 is a very small minority of
women
Use synonyms
 who are as physically capable as
men
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,
overall
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,
men
Use synonyms
 are generally much stronger than
women
Use synonyms
.
As a result
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, it seems obvious that
men
Use synonyms
 will be able to perform jobs that require
such
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strength
Use synonyms
 at a much higher level than
women
Use synonyms
. Miners,
for example
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, who have to spend all day underground
maneuvering
Change the spelling
manoeuvring
show examples
 heavy machinery, are far more likely to be
men
Use synonyms
 as they have much more upper body
strength
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
. In fact, any industry that values physical
strength
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 and stamina would invariably choose to employ a man over a woman.
Secondly
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,
besides
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 physical
strength
Use synonyms
, the differences in psychology and emotions
also
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 play a crucial role in determining suitability for specific roles. Recent studies have shown that
women
Use synonyms
 are more likely to consider other people’s feelings when making decisions, and
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therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
show examples
 they are better at running successful businesses than
men
Use synonyms
.
Also
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,
women
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 often display
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 level of empathy than their male colleagues, and
this
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 can make them a superior part of the workforce in the care industry. In conclusion, not only do
men
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 and
women
Use synonyms
 differ in terms of
strength
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, but they
also
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 communicate in different ways.
Therefore
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, I strongly believe that they cannot perform all jobs equally well.

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task response
For task response, your answer is clear, but one idea does not fully match your main view. In body 2, you say women may do better in business and care work. This makes your main position less firm. Keep all main ideas close to your opinion.
task response
For task response, add one more clear example for your second main point. The idea about feelings and care work is relevant, but it needs a more direct and real example.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear 4-part structure: intro, 2 body parts, and conclusion. This helps the reader follow your ideas well.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some links are good, like Firstly, Secondly, As a result, and In conclusion. But you can also make the link between body 2 and your final view stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, each body part has one main idea, which is good. To improve more, explain each idea a little deeper before the example.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear opinion from the start.
task response
Your first body paragraph is well focused and has a clear example about miners.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because the order of ideas is logical.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion, and both match your main view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • professional abilities
  • personal skills
  • qualifications
  • success stories
  • stereotypes
  • perceptions
  • education and training
  • gender differences
  • social benefits
  • economic benefits
  • gender-diverse workplaces
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