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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that parents have more important roles to play in children development.However, others argue that friends and television have the most significant influence. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that
parents
Use synonyms
 are the most significant roles for the
Use synonyms
child developing
Replace the word
child's development
. Unlike
this
Linking Words
,
others
Use synonyms
 say that his
freinds
Correct your spelling
friends
 and TV have more important roles in his
growing
Replace the word
growth
. I will
ducuss
Correct your spelling
discuss
 both views
, in
Punctuation problem
. In
show examples
 my
opinion
Punctuation problem
opinion,
show examples
 the
way
Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
 treat their
children
Use synonyms
 have most
influncial
Correct your spelling
influential
 factor for
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 upbringing,
while
Linking Words
 it reflects on
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 older age as
habits
Use synonyms
, sometimes
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
worse.
Body · 1
On the one hand, the
way
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 treat
others
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, their co-workers,
children
Use synonyms
 or
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
, and
also
Linking Words
 their behaviors as if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one is brave or not. All
this
Linking Words
come
Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
show examples
 from the first place from their
Use synonyms
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 treatment as kids. When
parents
Use synonyms
 sometimes have one
child
Use synonyms
 and they
afraid
Verb problem
are afraid
show examples
 about him. So they tend
to not
Unsplit the infinitive
not to
show examples
 make him go out
as
Change preposition
with
show examples
 his friends, and they do many tasks
instead
Linking Words
 of him.
This
Linking Words
 may reflect on
this
Linking Words
child
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a negative
way
Use synonyms
 during his
life
Use synonyms
, on his
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
others
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
habits
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as punishments
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can
left
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 harmful symptoms for the
child
Use synonyms
 in his older ages.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 a lot of
therepists
Correct your spelling
therapists
 said that
Most of
Change preposition
most
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who suffer from ADHD that from
Use synonyms
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 actions
Punctuation problem
, ecspecially
show examples
ecspecially thier
Correct your spelling
especially their
 punishments for them.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
do
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a lot of bad
habits
Use synonyms
 that growing with
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
as
children
Use synonyms
,
some
Correct word choice
and some
show examples
 of those
habits
Use synonyms
 come from
others
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 in early ages are unconscious about what is bad or good. In
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 early
ages
Add a comma
ages,
show examples
 they discover new experiences, new
habits
Use synonyms
 and new roles. In their youth, most of their time they spend it with their friends, so
about
Correct determiner usage
their
show examples
habits
Use synonyms
 freinds in
this
Linking Words
 time are
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
impacting
Replace the word
impactful
 factor on them.
For instance
Linking Words
, he can smoke because his friends are smokers,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 if he is not
smoker
Correct article usage
a smoker
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 can give him
sense
Correct article usage
the sense
show examples
 that he
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not belong to them.
In addition
Linking Words
, TV have another factor that impact on their behavior
also
Linking Words
 escpesially as
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 spend much of
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 time in
his home
Fix the agreement mistake
their homes
show examples
. When he can see and hear different movies that simulate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real
life
Use synonyms
 and real situations,
people
Use synonyms
 who cheat each other or
bad
Verb problem
use bad
show examples
 words. All
this
Linking Words
 can
make
Verb problem
apply
show examples
give him false impressions about real
life
Use synonyms
 from
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 age.
Conclusion
In my opinion, the
way
Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
 treat their
children
Use synonyms
 can decide
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 future, his behavior
also
Linking Words
 his mental condition, because of
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 words and thier overreact of the situations. So some of those reflect on his personality and
maintain
Verb problem
remain
show examples
 with him through his
life
Use synonyms
 and can left problem for him.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. You wrote more about parents than friends and TV.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea very clear at the start of each body part.
task response
Use simple examples that clearly match your point.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are hard to follow because the sentences are too long. Split them into shorter parts.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with clear words like first, also, for example, however, and in conclusion.
task response
Explain your opinion in a more direct way in the conclusion.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You used examples like smoking and TV to support your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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