IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people say that professional workers such as doctors, nurse, and teachers, who make greater contribution to the society should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. to what extent do you agree or disagree

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Introduction
it
Fix capitalization
It
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 is often argued that some individuals are favourable that professional
workers
Use synonyms
 like doctors,nurse and teachers who make
most
Correct article usage
the most
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 contribution in the communities should
be
Verb problem
apply
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get a higher salary than
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people who work in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sports and entertainment. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 issue, for the reason that the mentioned
workers
Use synonyms
 are those who really put their effort to help everyone.
Body · 1
Firstly
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, working in that kind of job is not totally easy. The professional
workers
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 should
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
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 the community rather than
their ownself
Fix the agreement mistake
themselves
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,
due to
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huge
Correct article usage
the huge
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of
Check wording
number of
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populations
Check wording
people who
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 need
the
Correct article usage
apply
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help and support.
For Instance
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 one of the major
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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handling the customer with their needs to make sure that they provide the right actions
specially
Rephrase
, especially
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 the doctors and nurses
, once
Punctuation problem
. Once
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 they did
mistake
Punctuation problem
mistake,
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 it will
trouble a lot
Correct word order
cause a lot of trouble
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, so
means
Correct pronoun usage
this means
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 they need to
assure
Verb problem
ensure
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 everything
will be
Wrong verb form
is
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 successful,
as well as
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 the teachers.
Body · 2
Secondly
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, the priceless effort to do so much
of paper works
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paperwork
 and
documentations
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documentation
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just to make sure that all the records are in good
conditions
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condition
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 and updated,
furthermore
Linking Words
 to ensure that it will all
aligned
Verb problem
be aligned
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 with the needs of the people whenever they request the records.
For example
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, if someone request for the confidential data, the skilled labour would
able
Verb problem
be able
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 to present it with correct information. That's I
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
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 creating documents is not easy to do it, and should not have any errors.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the professional
workers
Use synonyms
 deserve to have a
high
Replace the word
higher
 salary than the people whose working in the industry of entertainment and sports, because they only build their talent. I totally agree with the statement.

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task response
Answer all parts of the question more clearly. You say you agree, but you need to show how much and why in a more direct way.
task response
Give clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph should focus on doctors, nurses, and teachers helping society. Another can explain why pay should match this value.
task response
Use more relevant examples. Your example about records and confidential data is not very close to the main topic of pay and social value.
coherence and cohesion
Make your ideas easy to follow. Start each paragraph with one clear main point, then explain it, then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Link sentences more smoothly. Words like first, also, for example, and therefore can help, but use them in the right place.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Shorter sentences will make your meaning clearer.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic paragraph plan: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You try to support your ideas with reasons and examples.
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