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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and age together. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Introduction
Sometimes,
music
Use synonyms
 can be a good way of
gathring
Correct your spelling
gathering
people
Use synonyms
 from different
prespectives
Correct your spelling
perspectives
 and ages. I utterly agree with
this
Linking Words
, when sometimes it can be a common activity between
parents
Use synonyms
 and their
children
Use synonyms
,
also
Linking Words
 a
usefel
Correct your spelling
useful
 tool to make young
people
Use synonyms
 know more about
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
 days.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 it can be another tool to represent a
countrie
Correct your spelling
country
 in front of other countries.
Body · 1
Firstly
Linking Words
,
yonger
Correct your spelling
younger
 and older
people
Use synonyms
 sometimes do not have common activities. But
another
Change preposition
at other
show examples
 times,
parents
Use synonyms
 can love
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jazz
music
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
as much as
show examples
 their
children
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, when maybe both are
listining
Correct your spelling
listening
 to Miles
davis
Fix capitalization
Davis
show examples
.
Body · 2
So,
music
Use synonyms
 sometimes can be
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 activity or a topic for discussion between them. Which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can help him to find something
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 agreement on. With
this
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, it
build
Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
show examples
 a good bond between those
parents
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 and their kids during times they
listening
Wrong verb form
listen
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 together.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it can be a connection tool for
children
Use synonyms
knowing
Punctuation problem
, knowing
show examples
 about
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
 days, their preference for types of
music
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 at the time. So
ir
Correct your spelling
it
 can connect two eras or more with each
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
.
Body · 3
Secondly
Linking Words
, a lot of
people
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 are fond of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rap
music
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,
which through it
Correct word order
through which they
show examples
 sometimes
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 impression about USA. The
united states
Fix capitalization
United States
show examples
 lifestyle from east coast to west coast that maybe are location of the best rappers in the world. When they succeed
to transmit
Change preposition
in transmitting
show examples
 the USA rap through their video
clibs
Correct your spelling
clips
. After
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
, all kids and teenagers around the world mimic their style, that they wear baseball cap and
turn
Wrong verb form
turning
show examples
 it to the left
Correct word choice
, as well as
show examples
also
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 relaxed
clothe
Replace the word
clothing
.
Therefore
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,
this
Linking Words
, all
people
Use synonyms
 understand the
usa
Fix capitalization
USA
show examples
 rap and their culture
Linking Words
also
Punctuation problem
, also
show examples
 their style.
Conclusion
For me, it is
useful
Correct article usage
a useful
show examples
 activity for
children
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 to make a connection between them and their
parents
Use synonyms
,
old days
Check wording
apply
show examples
in general.
Also
Linking Words
, it can be a scope to make all around the world see one culture from one type of
music
Use synonyms
 they
unique
Verb problem
are unique
show examples
 from, so I utterly agree with
this
Linking Words
.

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task response
Answer the question more directly in each body part. Say clearly how music brings people together across age and culture.
task response
Add one clear example for culture, not only age. This will make your answer more complete.
task response
Explain your ideas more. Some points are short or not fully clear, so the reader must guess your meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: intro, 2 body parts, and conclusion. Your essay has this shape, but some ideas move too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple way. Use words like first, next, for example, because, and so.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one main idea. Now, some lines mix age, culture, and country image together.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start: you agree.
task response
You try to use examples like jazz, rap, parents, and children.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words like firstly, secondly, also, and therefore.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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